Friday, August 24, 2007

The Brick Wall Statement

The Brick Wall Statement. What the hell does that mean? What was it?

"I want to quit, because I feel like you can't handle it."

That went over well. He hated it when I said that. Thought I was behaving in a condescending manner to him. I didn't mean we were never going to play again, but I wasn't sure that it was the right thing to do. We definitely had some talking to do, before anything was decided or anything happened. Every time we did there seemed to be emotional storms, and they seemed to be directed at me. It was so much easier for me, than it was for him. He expected that it should be easy for him to have sex with women at a sex club. Everything else in his life was easy. It wasn't. I think that part were the unrealistic expectations of the scene. Part of it was natural quietness- it wasn't easy for him to approach women and flirt.

Why did I feel this way?

Initially, we started playing under difficult circumstances. (Rough Beginnings) There were subtle problems between us that I felt it wasn't the right time that hadn't been discussed yet. I felt that he needed to me to play with others to feel desire for me. He always claimed that wasn't true, but still I wondered. Once we began, he was incredibly worried about our relationship and jealousy. He thought I was going to do something and not tell him about it. He worried about somebody else pleasing me more. So the first year or so was full of issues about the relationship- from his point of view.

We started with a very specific goal. The very idea of him watching me get fucked by another man turned him on. He wanted that and nothing else. Yet that changed. We had to find balance in our relationship. How would we adjust now that I've had this experience and he hadn't? I knew that it was all about sex, and I loved him- deeply so in the end it didn't matter to me. Yet the confusing path and goals was difficult to adjust to. At times, I felt as if I'd been tricked. I was worried that he would be hurt by other women- in any number of ways. He is my life, and I don't want him hurt. It happened. He didn't like even the simple rejection of not all women wanting to dance with him. He focused on the negative and never saw the positive interactions.

So there were what I started calling, "tantrums," and he called "frustration." Yet it was often directed at me. To me, it was similar and related to the emotional storms that were related to jealousy and fear. He claims they were far more minor and that he would learn to solve this problem. Yet every time he had another one- he laid another layer of "bricks" down in my feelings that this was not the right thing for us to be doing as a couple. "The Brick Wall Statement." A feeling that would take more time to break down.

by NightStar

2 comments:

Rosie said...

Of course the undertaking was so complicated from the very beginning. But to read what you have written makes it clear that no matter how much you want something, there are rogue emotions that get in the way. Thoughts and feelings, and then words and reactions can often simply not be controlled.

Perhaps it is simply the learning curve... but is it worth the pain.

Nightstar said...

We are working now to find out if we can move beyond the "Brick Wall Statement."

If his emotions are manageable, and it slowly comes down.

Or if it gets built into a larger wall and a stronger emotional desire that this isn't the right thing for us to do...