Sunday, June 29, 2008

It is all about you!

Yesterday, I learned the truth.

It is all about you.

Today, I further concluded that I am only your unpaid whore.
We had an affair that has lasted 2 years and included my pussy and my brain at your beck and call.

Part of having an affair with another married person is that you have to accept the limitations of the game. Holidays and personal special days do require some creative present giving so as not to offend or alert the significant others. Separation on special days is part of the game. But when one partner works around the limitations to the others pleasure there is a reciprocity expectation. Or so I thought. However, I thought wrong.

Considering the desperate phone calls I have taken in the middle the night. The nights I have held you as your real world collapsed. How I helped you revive your business. The sacrifices I made and the gifts that I have given over the past two years. Apparently, it was too much to expect you to show me some attention yesterday.

I am guilty. I had a selfish thought. You knew this day was coming. You made promises months ago about this day. You set up expectations. You loved all the special surprises I gave you on your day. You promised that my day would be a special treat.

However, the day came and went in silence. No presents, no phone calls, no text messages, no ecards, or real cards. At least none were received from you. Some other men in my life did remember. They made me feel special and will be rewarded for their attention. But they had not been the focus of two years of my attention and concern. I do not fuck them except when I feel like it and you were always given priority.

Today, as I stare at my cell phone I am angry, hurt and yet puzzled? The text message from you. " I'm horny Let's fuck" and a date, time, place a week from now. You expect me to say yes and be there with my legs spread and my pussy wet. You know I will make an excuse to hubby to shop and stay overnight in that distant town. You did not apologize or in any way refer to the day you missed. So here is my answer. " No, I will not be there to fuck you. Your horniness is no longer my concern."

A tear drops as I hit the enter button. But I know it is for the best. Time to suck it up. The tough part about the choice to end our affair is I cannot cry about it to friends or get the support of family. To the outside world nothing can change but inside the emotions swirl. For at least a little while today I can pretend that the affair was really all about me and my desires. I can tell myself that I enjoyed all the orgasms and the sexual trysts we pulled off behind our spouses back. All the while knowing in my heart it really has been about you and my allowing you to use me.

Good bye.


Saturday, June 21, 2008


It is amazing how often during our own infidelity we refuse to forgive others for what we are guilty of ourselves.

During the afterglow of sex in the arms of my lover, I listened to his pain and concern on the state of his marriage. I am his mistress, best friend, lover, adviser, and silent business partner. He tells me all of the stuff he dares not say to his wife, kids, in laws and others.

So, while holding me in his arms and fondling my breasts, he begins to rant.He tells me that him and his wife have never been on the same page during their entire marriage. The kicker began when his said, " Her having an affair and cheating on me during the first year proves it." He went on to talk about how her cheating during that time is still a source of pain and anger. How it makes her statements in counseling are hypocritical etc. She is the one always holding the grudge. Never, forgiving me for my cheating etc.

It was one of those moments when all you could do was take a deep breath, reflect that at the moment you had his cum flowing out of you and on to him as your bodies were still intertwined, and smile. I reached for his balls and gently fondled and squeezed , raising my face to kiss him.

I lovingly advised, " Love, it is time to release your pain and truly forgive her for that first year affair." I was by now stroking him. His cock was aroused and would soon be ready to fuck again.

" I don't think I ever can" was his reply. It was a painfully truthful answer. " I am tired of being the bad guy, of not having an intimate loving marriage,and living with someone I don't like for the sake of my children."

We were by now fucking doggy style. His fat cock rubbing my g spot into an orgasmic tizzy. My head is in the pillow. My ass in the air as he fucked me senseless into an orgasmic bliss. He was pounding my cunt as he ranted, whined, and moaned about twenty years of hell.

In my orgasmic state, my kegels grabbed and squeezed his cock harder and harder with each thrust. Suddenly I hear, "Damn, you are so good."

As he lays down beside me. We move into 6/9. He begins to drink the juices of our lovemaking. He makes another comment and I gently say, "So, are you ready now to forgive and release the pain so you can love her?" " You are choosing to remain with her why not make it more pleasant?"

I realized I wasted my breath as he was lost in his delight of my pussy. We continued to play and it was evident that his pain from time to time still crossed his mind. There were events and reasons for this happening beyond my control. He obviously just needed me to listen for my words fell on deaf ears.

In the journey beyond monogamy forgiveness is an essential ingredient. We have to give forgiveness to others when they explore outside our relationship in order for them to reciprocate. If either party in the relationship holds onto the pain and chooses not to forgive and release it; a festering wound develops. My lover cannot see his hypocrisy in failing to forgive his wife for a sexual fling decades ago while having an affair currently. He has nurtured his wound and it now blinds him to the reality of his current situation. He describes life as a catch 22. He fails to see that forgiveness is the key to his future happiness.

He is right. His wife does hold grudges and does not forgive easily. She will never forgive the infidelity he committed she knows about. He embarrassed her as far as she is concerned with her family and community. She has made her lack of forgiveness clear to anyone that will listen. I got an earful at a national retreat when her friends used her and her family as an example of a couple that needs to separate. When I put two and two together after the example was given. I just smiled. I could not participate in the discussion for it was too close personally and no one expected me to have any knowledge of the couple. I discovered in listening that others have observed what I know to be true.

I am not in an NSA relationship with this man. It would be easier if it was but I care deeply for him. His lack of forgiveness for his wife makes me uneasy at times. For in all relationships illicit or legal there are times when someone gets hurt, or is unfaithful, or angry over something that occurs. Forgiveness is the key for all relationships. You cannot force someone to forgive. You can only hope and pray that they will choose to do so.

So if you are thinking of journeying to the other side of monogamy make sure you are prepared to forgive others for there will be much to forgive along the way. If you are a couple considering opening your marriage have some candid discussions. Be honest, it is not a time to clam up and not say how you really feel about seeing or knowing your partner sexual adventures with others. If you choose to cheat on your spouse do not assume that you are the only one cheating. You may later be surprised so you must be prepared to forgive as well. Life beyond monogamy is an adventure that requires frequent checks of ones emotions, desires, and expectations. Enjoy the ride but pack some forgiveness along to share.