Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Sacred & Profane

I read an article in a free magazine at lunch the other day. It quoted something from a book called Sacred & Profane. The distance of the two words struck with me, and I plan to look up more about the book.

Today, I had a tubal ligation. The timing strikes me as strange. We spent the weekend discussing many things, including if we should continue. I believe we will. We also resolved many things. My husband gets turned on a lot by thinking of me with another man, and I am very sexual. But it is an awkward time for me to think of surgery- even something as routine to the doctors as a tubal ligation. It is not routine to me. The day has not been pleasant.

I am content with my choice today for many reasons. I do not want more children. Only if the event that my husband died would I consider it, and rarely then. But if we backed off from sex with other people, the surgery today is a bit irrelevant to our life together.

Some of the choices that you begin to make are both Sacred and Profane...

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Loved Endlessly

So my love...
Where do I start.
How do I let you know what I feel. Not just once, but every day all the time. How do I fight the fear inside you. How do I show you that I love you above all others? It is more than spending time with you. More than the joy I feel and show when you come home. More than the when I come home to you. More than purring in the middle of the night as I wrap my arms around you or snuggle against your chest. Do you hear me then? More than chatting during the day or talking by phone. Do you remember how often I call you as I leave work, and don't want to get off the phone. Those few minutes without the children. Yes, I have other plans as well. But spending time with you isn't our problem nor the solution.

The fear comes from within. Not from me. I'll ride your storms- no matter what they may be. For there is nobody on this earth that matches me as you do. "Confidence, openness, and willingness to try new things." Where in the world did you get the idea that was all I loved you for? Right... Oh yeah. I'm pretty much opposed to trying new things, and my fear factor is high. I'm more risk adverse than you. You've made me pretty uncomfortable many times and never mind what happens when I let you into the kitchen! I have to be grateful that you're cooking for me, because I sure never know what I'm going to eat and I'm not fond of that! I appreciate the work that you do for me on a daily basis.

Let's talk about me for a bit... Me. Me. Me.. I love you for many reasons. I love that you understand me more than anyone in the world, more than I often understand myself. I love your unyielding honesty. I love your caring nature. I love your intelligence. I love your humor. I love that you will hold me and caress me endlessly. I love that you will humor my silliness. I love that your communication skills are so superb. I love that you are so good with the girls. I love that you are willing to admit mistakes. I love that we talk. Oh wait- I think I said that in different words! I love that you build me fires and do everything you can for me, especially to keep me warm. I love how you want to make our home better always. I love your desire to please me.

I love how you are always reaching for the stars. Sometimes you might feel as if you fall. I love you still. I never wanted perfect.

I love you, Babe. Not how you happen to feel on a good or bad day.

And you won't get rid of me that easily. You won't ever get rid of me. I'm not going anywhere. Now. Ever. Love me with your soul, for you already have mine. I take that risk. It's yours.

Other people aren't going to change that. Those that know me well know that. Why do you even doubt it now. If they can't see that in me, they are blind to all that I am.

Do you see, my love, that I would give up everything for you. So much of what I am. What I might need or think that I do. Only to find ways for us together. For you. I know that you would tell me not to, but you would not be able to stop me either. Expectations. Desire. It simple does not matter if it us not right for us, not me. But you don't see that right now, and that hurts.

Is it wrong to want to be accepted for all that I am? Wrong to want you to accept me completely for as sexual as I've become? No, I don't think that it is. I didn't say it was important to me. Only that right now, you don't. In the end, that too does not matter. For I know how to be flexible enough to make it work for both of us. And I will.

If I told you that I saw two men on the beach, and my mind drifted. I imagined being between the two of them on the beach. Not sex, but there hands on me. Playing. Their bodies shielding mine from the sight of others. Sexual thoughts. I didn't even smile at them. Didn't even want to talk to them. But my mind is sexual. If I told you that I came on the beach, what would you think. I don't really think that it would please or excite you. Right now, I want to shut that side of me down. Want to bury it, because it's causing you tension. Just the creative, sexual side of my mind. No matter what the consequences are.

I can't help sometimes seeing someone that I find sexy or attractive and feeling desire. It's hot. I love the unexpected. I love what's happened sometimes when we go out alone focused on each other and someone is watching me. At times you did as well. Desire or interest in others doesn't mean I'm less attracted to you less. Never. You always come first. But I can shut that down as well. Or acknowledge it so briefly in my mind that I'm pretending it doesn't exist. I have that strength. And I'd do it for us. For you. Again, it doesn't matter if you tell me that it would be wrong to do so.

Yet, my love... I'm not sure that you would like it. For my sexuality in my mind overlaps my body. My desire is part of who I am. Part of who you want. I can bury what I see is causing problems, but there might be other problems.

I will give you all that you want. All that you need. For that is what I need. There is only one thing that I need. Time. Time to think sometimes. Time to absorb our thoughts and the energy or our love. I suspect that will be one of the hardest for you to understand right now. Not time away from you. Never, for I like your presence. Just time of quiet sometimes.

Loved... Endlessly.

Dam breaking

NOTE: This post was originally written on my own blog, and removed. It is followed by "Loved Endlessly." Tom Paine suggested that I place it here. I did, with only minor edits. We also then spent an entire weekend talking.

Dam breaking...

Again and again.

You asked what I would write here if you weren't reading. This post is an example. It's my feelings. Some days I don't feel as if I have anything left. Words and thoughts that should stay in my head. Or at least far away from you. Because in the end they are feelings that will pass and that we will work through.

You said that we aren't making any progress on issues and you used the blog as an example. My need for privacy. Such nonsense. Can I just point out that you didn't abide by the rules that we set in the beginning. It would be your fault then that the issue persists. But I don't look for blame, I try to move forward and solve the problem. Again. And that means talking again. Things change over time. Grumble. You said that you want to get to know each other on a deeper and deeper level. I'm fine with that, but I'm hurt that you said I'm keeping things from you. Hurt that you felt that I had secrets to hide. Look at the damn blog. I rarely even get comments, and I respond to them less. I show you everything. Talk to you about everything. I'm aware of the fact that everytime you walk by my computer you want to know what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, what it's about. I keep nothing from you. Yet when we address hard issues and I want to process them and you don't kept the agreements we made and I'm struggling I'm doing something wrong to ask again. You know, I really appreciated when you said how sad you'd be to not read. Really appreciated you talking about understanding me from a different prism. But we had to talk about it to understand both points of view.

Did it occur that maybe just this point in time was inevitable, and that we're handling it better than anyone but us ever could. I think that we are... Despite it all, our relationship is strong. Incredibly strong. Yes, we're both tired. I don't want you truly wise, God Dammit. I want you for who you are. Mine. And I'll scream that across the neighborhood if you don't get it.

No phrases.
No lazy writing.
No Poetry.
That was nonsense anyway.
Writing here.
Where I can scream in the dark. Yell. Cry.
Heard. Or not.
But the door is open...
Darkness in my mind.

You are so fucking worried about what others might think I say about you. I don't care about others. I never have. I started this blog thinking that there would be nobody to hear me. There are now. But not the sames ones. Your pain hurts me. But I can't fix it. Only tell you that your are wrong. Call you an idiot or take you in my arms, but you won't listen to me. And I'm left feeling like I do something wrong. Again and again. Every day almost. But I let it go. I won't remember or dwell on it. Won't focus on how I screw up. Won't believe it. I just remember the feeling that it happens again. I know it's not me. Know it doesn't matter and I'm reading it wrong. I'm stronger than that. But I'm not pleasing you.

When I feel like that with you is it so wrong to want the simple pleasure of just pleasing someone sexually... Nothing more.

You got what you want. All the fantasies came true. But the game was harder than you expected. Nothing was the way it seemed. I understand. That's not a problem. But damn it, I didn't. Perhaps I want to much. My desires are more than just a fantasy though. I've grown and I've changed. And I want more too. But I'm the one willing to give it all up. Right the fuck now. Regardless. No more discussion. Nothing. Because it's not right for you or for us. But don't expect it to be easy. I'm giving up something, and it's something I want. You opened Pandora's box, and I'll try to close it again. With at least a broken hinge, but I'll try. But it's not the same. It doesn't fucking fit anymore, and it isn't easy. Don't expect me to say, "Sure. No problem. It's the same as it used to be." There are lots of reasons it's not. So I do everything that I possibly can to tell you what I see as different. How it won't be the same, how I want to change, to make it better for both of us. Safeguards. How I'm giving you peace. And you tell me that I'm giving you ultimatums and threats. What the fuck? Sigh. Something wrong again. Guess I communicated that I'm willing to do what is best for you, best for us so damned well. Oh fuck. Let's try that one again. You don't even have to say a damn word. I spend most of my time thinking about you and I. Us. Unproductive in so many other aspects of my life. And still I screw up. I can't think and I'm so close to just shutting down sometimes. But that's not me.

I'll keep fighting for you. Till I get it right.
Don't mess with the Dragon.
I love you.
Where in the hell, do you think you're going to lose me.
Not bloody likely.
Just about anyone could tell you otherwise...

Yes, I want to fuck him. Yes, he wants me. Does that mean I want you less? No. Not even. Will I get back on this damned fucking rollercoaster if we get off? I might throw up first. I just soooo love the idea of get off now and when you get the rest of your mind together we will jump back on the fuck up train.

Yes, I care about you accepting my sexuality. Shouldn't I? Fuck yes, I should. I've changed a hell of lot over the last two years. I'll go back to where I was... Easy enough. But you were the one that wanted some excitement and change in our live. Exploration, richness, adventure. Whatever the fuck the reasons were. I don't know anymore, because it seems like what I remember is different from what you remember. But you don't want me to go back. You don't seem to want me where I am either. I don't like living in the twilight zone, thank you very much. Did I say anything about being ahead of you sexually. Better? And therefore more accepting of others that are different? Umm no. Fuck no. I said, I've grown and changed. Seems pretty natural consequence of what's happened to me. I love you for who you are... But what do we do? Far as I can tell you don't like this and this and this and this and this... Well, Maam, thank you very much for the ride, but I think I got on the wrong bus and went in the wrong direction for awhile. OK. That's fine with me, but I'm having a bit of trouble suggesting where we should go next. I liked and loved you before. I'M WILLING TO GO BACK TO WHERE WE WERE. But fuck it all. I didn't start this. You did. And you did, because you wanted change.

So excuse me if at some times I have just a little bit of trouble processing the whirlwind, and please Damn it don't accuse me of saying that I don't like who you are or were. Because that isn't never was and never will be the case. OH yeah. Don't transfer your confusion to me that way. Don't make me feel as if it's all my fault and I'm doing something wrong again (not that I even know what anymore). I may be, but that sure as hell isn't it.

I ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. No matter what you want.

I'm pissed because you're feeling threatened about what someone else might be telling me to do. Yet you don't want to know either. Great. Just great. How am I supposed to get around that one. I'll tell you one thing. He won't ever come between us. Won't ever ask for anything that we've agreed upon. Or ask to see me when I can't. He doesn't pressure me in that way, but completely supports us. It's a good thing, and one reason I like him. But what am I supposed to do? I'm in the middle again. So I back away from EVERYTHING. Cause I can't please you no matter what I do, and it's wrong to do anything else because I know you. Know what you need. Then I get accused of threatening you or ultimatums.

But I will give up what I might desire, because in this case it is wrong. For us... At least for quite awhile. I only wish I'd seen it coming before it ever started... Had a crystal ball that could predict the future. Kept Pandora's box closed. I think that trying to go back will be so much harder than growing was. Change wasn't easy to begin with.

Just buy a big damn purple lock...
Memorize the combination after several margaritas.
Burn the paper.
Then go to sleep...
Memories and thoughts locked away...

I'm sorry if you don't like the reality of life right now. I'll kept trying. Anything for us together. But I don't know what you want. Don't know how to please you any more, and that hurts. Everything I say seems wrong. Everything I do seems like it's not quite right either. So I'm going back to where I was. But that's not easy, and you don't want that either. *Turns head to side* Comes back and tries again.

My place.
My writing.
You don't have to like it here.
I'll send this to you before the end of the month.
Before the end of the week, but I'm not sure what day.
I have other plans in mind.
To show you my love...

I give too much.
Of myself some days.
A switch.