Friday, July 20, 2007

Rough beginnings!

It started with fantasies told in the bedroom. Eventually the settings became more and more realistic. The stories involving another man became more prevalent and my husband was more aroused by them. I think that I knew before he did that he wanted to make this a reality. That he wanted to watch me fuck another man. That was the beginning. We moved slow, very slow compared to what I know others have done. For years, I fought the idea. I fought for several reasons, but the biggest one was hidden from my husband. Even if this was something we might consider in the future, there were reasons that it was not the right time now. We had other issues regarding our own sexuality that needed to be solved first.

A weekend trip led to a dance with another man and a passionate kiss on the dance floor, but nothing more. Unplanned and unexpected, but it was the beginning. We all burned with desire. I remember his eyes still. It took years before we took another step, but the pressure began. He didn't mean to pressure me, but it existed anyway. Eventually, I decided that when we went out one night, I was going to make every effort to find another man to join us for the night. He would see me with someone else and it could end. It wouldn't matter anymore.

I found someone that night, he was younger than he looked and more forgettable than I'd like to admit. Yet, he started another round of emotional storms. There were no real decisions made, it had only been the spontaneous events of one night. I was fighting again. My husband wasn't sure what he wanted. The roller coaster had begun.

On our vacation, we agreed that we were backing away from everything. That we wouldn't play any games with others except dancing if that came up. It made it safe to go dancing. I didn't have to worry about what might happen. I didn't have to feel as if I was going to fight. Make no mistake, I fought the idea and I fought my own desire. The idea of sex with another man wan immensely attractive. I wanted it, but felt it was wrong.

So, two weeks later we went dancing. I never looked around, but someone was watching me. He saw me for over an hour and a half before he was close enough that I saw him. In the end, he was the one that suggested that all of us go somewhere. In the end, my husband was the one that held a condom in the palm of his hand for me to see that night, and I was the one that looked down and gave up.

We found a hotel, and it was great. He pushed me away from him and toward my husband. We drove home as the sun rose that night. It was really the start of where we are now. We saw him several times, and may yet again. There have been others since as well. The beginning was rough. There were many conversations and a lot of tears. The journey has not been easy, but it is ours. I will tell more of it in time. We are accepting where we are now. I wear a "soul mate" necklace and I will never leave him.

by NightStar


Tom Paine said...

Very touching, NS, and thanks for being the first to tell their story here!

Anonymous said...

It sounds like an agonizing beginning, certainly. Did the feeling of "giving in" add to the experience for you, or take away?

NightStar said...

What an insightful and interesting question La Fille Mariee. I think that is where I will choose to write the next story.