Tuesday, October 30, 2007

How much would you change?

How much would you change if you left monogamy behind? Especially if you'd been married for many years, had children and married young. An interesting question. I never expected to have changed as much as I have. Many are small ways. Others are much larger. Details about myself or my sexuality.

Permanent body changes- One of the first changes that I can recall was to begin to shave or trim my pussy. Then, I made that permanent with laser hair removal. I got a tattoo. A tramp stamp. It represents a lot, but I planned it representing my sexuality and the changes to who I am.

I am much more sexual. I used to be fairly conservative. Perhaps the wild side of me was just hiding. I've fucked outside, given blowjobs to strangers in a parking lot, worn skirts with nothing underneath and made sure that someone noticed. I've done that discretely with my children around as well. John loved to push me towards exhibitionism and I would let him. Even when he was not around, I would do more than I ever used to, just so that I could tell him.

I've gone to public sex clubs and made love in public- with my husband and with others. I like to be in the center of attention. Sometimes with someone who I didn't even know there name or spoke more than a few words. I've been in threesome's and foursomes and loved every minute of it.

I've taken sexy pictures and posted them on the internet. I've taken extremely explicit pictures and sent them by phone to a few. Things I never would have dreamed of a few years ago. I love the reactions that I get, and I'll do it again and again now.

Much of that could be expected when you leave monogamy. That alone has given my husband some trouble adapting. I've accepted so much so easily. He has some trouble. He hasn't found his willingness to change sexually quite so wild as mine.

I use lots of sex toys and I write sex reviews. I never used to.
I'm still adjusting to my own bisexuality. Something else new...

But there are many more changes I face. I find that I have a submissive side. I am a switch. I crave to really fall under the control of a Dom and play BDSM games with someone that I trust. I chat with many people at different times. Yet, I know that the only ones that really interest me are the ones that are stronger and different. Those that play a completely different sexual game than anything I've ever played.

I struggle to understand all that I seek. I know that some of the games have their own risks, but I'll play those games as well. Here too the learning curve is steep.

I'm still changing sexually. I want to experience more, and I'm not afraid to explore it all. It's part of living.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Answers still to be found

My story goes on. The answers are still being found. The games and experiments continue. I write in many places- where the mood and the need strikes. Tom and I discussed this blog. We both wonder how many people are interested here. In time, I'm sure that I will know exactly what needs to be said here.

Right now- I'm wondering what those that are reading wonder or are curious about. Are there questions you want to ask?

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Desire and Guilt...

How do you love someone, intensely and with all your soul, and still allow them to see your desire for another person completely? How can you not feel that they will be threatened by the attractiveness to another person? That they will be hurt if the level of intensity, even for the *moment* is not the same. What do you do when they have shown jealousy or fear in the past? How do you balance the emotions and the desire.

It's different when there have nothing in common or I'll never see him again. Another matter entirely when it is someone that I might see again or they are similar in some way that is important. What happens when I react sexually in a way that I've never done before? (Tom mentioned this in some link, but I'm feeling too lazy to go find it right now!)

Sometimes it's just a matter of not relaxing completely when you play as a threesome. It would be easier if he could really show me how much he was turned on when I'm with another man. If he could tell me how much he loves it when I get excited by another, more than a physical sense. I worry about his emotions and his feelings. I think that mentally it holds me back.

He mentioned that he feels guilty when he plays with another woman. Because it doesn't excite me. I'm not turned on by watching him with another woman. It's not my thing. I'm thrilled that he has fun, but I wouldn't know how to let him relax any more.

These are issues we are still exploring.

by Nightstar