Sunday, January 3, 2010

Howling in the Dark

It seems I have always been howling in the dark from the time I was born and my Mother couldn't "handle" my incessant crying and put me in the third floor nursery, alone, to cry myself to sleep. They say that responding to your child's crying teaches them to trust; a lesson that has been borne out in my three children. So I guess my ability to trust was injured from the get go, still she did the best she could. I agree that doing that was much better than doing me some sort of physical harm and I have seen that sometimes babies need to cry a bit to release pent up stimulation...but sometimes I wonder.

I am currently in a polyamorous triad with my husband and lover. We are a "V" configuration with me being the pivot point. The two guys on the surface seem vastly different but upon closer inspection they are surprisingly similar. The main difference is Sigel, my husband, is the driving force in our sexual exploration and Arch, my other life partner, is content to be monogamous for the time being. From the beginning Sigel was the one who craved different sexual experiences. So much so that it nearly destroyed our marriage and lead to him cheating to fill the need. I was over controlling and doled out the "extras" like some women dole out affection to their spouses. I never saw it that way though, I just wanted to be able to control the situation and be sure Sigel never realized that other women were more interesting and attractive than I was. Afterall, if he loved me he shouldn't want other women right? I MUST, therefore, be somehow defective! He tried and tried to tell me how much he loved me but I had trust issues and a deep seated fear of abandonment coupled with the belief that I wasn't worthy of love and respect. To combat these fears I made him a prisoner of my need and blamed him for EVERYTHING. HE was the one who was bad and defective, damnit, HE was the cheat and the liar. HE was the one who had had such a warped childhood that he couldn't grow up and accept that monogamous sex was the ONLY sex a married man should have! Then I would pull a 180 and invite a girlfriend to join us...or a guy friend would make a joke about wanting to have sex with me and I'd say "What the hell, Sigel wants to watch anyhow...."
Mixed signals from me were the worst thing for him because he could see that, inspite of my raging about monogamy, I really had no problem with sharing him or myself with another person. I would instigate an encounter and then blame him for "pushing" me into it. To be fair Sigel did use emotional blackmail and coersion to get his way but for the most part when it did happen I was a willing participant...until the next morning.
I found out he was cheating on me about 4 years into our marriage, I thought it was a one time thing and though I raged and punished him for many many long years over it I did forgive him almost instantly for sleeping with her. My real problem was the lies and the fact that I felt he didn't have to sneak around since I rarely denied him anything he asked for. Sure I tortured myself imagining him in some fantasy hawt porn scene with her but after a few years sanity set in and I realized that what he had told me was the truth...the encounter was brief, and forgettable except that this woman was one who would give him away. He had been cheating all along but this was the first woman he had cheated with that knew me. He figured the jig was up and spiraled into a breakdown which took him years to recover from.
We decided to work on our marriage and for 15 years we did just that. We talked and raged and then talked some more. Gradually we learned how to listen and how to speak to each other. We got to a place where we began to trust each other. It was tumultuous and heartbreaking the things we did to each other.
During this time we discovered the internet and I found a whole new way to cheat: emotional cheating. I could invest precious time, energy and emotion on total strangers who would never even see my face! I could talk about sex and have a hot time without comitting myself physically! With my poor self image this was heaven for me and hell for Sigel who craved my attention like air in his lungs. Suddenly I wasn't demanding his time and suddenly he wanted me to. Now I don't mean to say I sat in cyber chat rooms (tried that and quickly got bored) or trawling the net for porn (We had always had an adequate supply of that offline)no what I did was I played MMORPGs. I will not stoop to demonising MMOs mainly because they saved my life, through the interactions online I was able to work through my issues with people totally noninvested in the eventual outcome. I could be social in a way that was catharctic for me, besides I met our life partner in an online game. Sigel also used the MMO to finally escape from his demons, an addiction that was easily broken and caused no physical harm, unlike smoking (that was a bitch of a habit to break). I played up to 18 hours a day though I was not like the evil stereotypical stay at home mom. I schooled my girls, giving them their lessons and refusing to hunt in a group while they were studying because they would need my help and I insisted on pausing the game or logging out to help them. I skimped on housework but my house was never filthy, Sigel wouldn't have tolerated that for long anyhow. I cooked meals when I figured Sigel had earned the right to have a home cooked meal, it was unconscious but I recognize the subtle passive aggression for what it was. I talked to my pledge, clan or guild for all hours of the night...literally, I would stay up sometimes 3 days straight if I was working on some achievement. All the while Sigel mostly patiently allowed me the space to work out whatever was causing this disconnect, besides I seemed happy. I would take time off to drive to my Mom's farm to work with my horses but if I was at home then I was online. I was as addicted to the MMO as Sigel was to the conquest of a woman.

During this time I met Archanas, a sweet young man who was a sort of kindred spirit. This was after a very messy drama with another player and I needed a friend, desperately. I had always had Sigel as that friend but this time he had been the cause of the drama. Sigel was hurt by my lack of interest in him and he lashed out at the other player, basically saying that if he liked me so much then why not fuck me? The situation swiftly got ugly and I was devastated. Archanas showed up looking for a friend and he patiently listened to me cry. After hearing the whole story Arch flat out told Sigel not to make that offer with him as he wasn't interested in a married woman. Arch was young and idealistic...and a virgin. I fought Sigel off and struck up an intense friendship with Arch. He needed someone to hear his pain and I needed the same, for hours at a time we played the game and talked. We ran clans together and then a guild. The more Arch stuck around the more Sigel relaxed. Arch was comitted to never being the cause of our divorce and in a strange twist he became one of the reasons we are still married! We ended up on WOW running a guild, the three of us! We went from a position that Sigel and I can't game together to running a fairly successful guild, with Arch's help. After three years Arch learned that Sigel and I had a nominally open marriage and perversely was angry that I had never told him! We began talking and he revealed he was interested in me...Sigel heard about it and invited him to visit. He agreed and soon we were planning a visit!

The visit was amazing but instead of a casual sexual encounter we realized that we had loved each other for years. Sigel was amazed at how "right" it felt to have him there though he was not happy that he didn't get the threesome he was wanting...that came much later. It wasn't an easy transition from reluctant openness to full joyous openness but looking back it was all worth it.

We are now the proud parents of a beautiful son. We are working on getting us all together under one roof and all the problems that weill accompany that arrangement. It hasn't been an easy road to this location but in the end it has lead Sigel and I full circle.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

A Perverse Turn in a relationship

I hung up the phone and laughed! The irony of the call and the help that was wanted was so unbelievable. A lover called and wanted suggestions for his girlfriend's birthday party. One, I might add, I am not invited to attend. As it turns out he liked some of my suggestions and hated others. We truly have different tastes in music but have some artists in common.

It has been a strange two years. We have apparently gone from friends to distant lovers to friends with benefits when we can be together. His girlfriend is much closer in distance than I am. She does, however, live too close to his family for my taste. I can foresee some big trouble down the road if the kids find out and blame this woman for the divorce that is on the horizon. They drive by her house every day. She is not the reason for the marriage being in troubled, but angry kids are not logical. This marriage has had issues for a long time and now even the psychologists working with them are advising divorce. There is family support but it may erode if his friendships with other women become known. I have urged caution and discretion but that has never fallen on appreciative ears.

But it was the first time I had been asked to help plan a birthday party for a lover's new girl friend. I am actually happy for them both but that is my poly mindset talking. In sharing with a friend the irony of the conversation he commented, " For a guy who has been wanting to simplify and gain more peace in his life. He certainly is heading in the opposite direction. " The friend has been divorced twice and knows a bit about angry ex-wives and children. He sees some of the same issues I do in the situation and passed on some advice for me to pull out of my hat in future calls.

I just find it amusing that lover came up with $1000 for an entertainer for this party but could not come up with less for a plane ticket for me a few months ago. Of course, he does not expect me to remember or connect these dots for he has already forgotten. There in lies his downfall, since the women in his life have long memories and he has a very short one. He can't keep his lies and story straight most of the time. If you are going to balance three women you had better remember what you have shared with each one before they do. I have caught him revising history 3 times this week. I had to steer him straight before he said the wrong story to his wife. Yes, I am trying to help him preserve a relationship with her, regardless, since like or not they are tied for the rest of their lives by the kids. I cannot keep up with what he has told his girlfriend.

In reading about poly life I never dreamed of a call like this one. However, If I can play so can he. I just have to keep smiling and hoping that he gets through this crazy time despite the turns it takes.


Friday, August 22, 2008

You asked

You asked me what I missed...
And my gut reaction was "Anything that I say, can and will be used against me."
Tension. Before I even think of the answer. I'm worried about you feeling threatened. Worried about you saying, "but I can do that" or distressed because you don't feel as if you can.

You like to hike. To the end of the road. Let's just see what's beyond the next corner or the next hill. A desire to keep going, a desire to know. It's there.

I miss dancing, being sexy, being watched. Knowing that we can cross the limits that others set. Knowing that if someone has the confidence to approach- there are many, many different levels at which I can respond.

I love the wildness of picking someone up from a bar/club and seeing where it would go. Lack of rules.

I love the interaction with someone completely unknown. Not knowing what they will do or how sex will go. Not knowing what they will want.

I love interacting with sexually alive, open and willing people. People that are no afraid of their passions, who are willing to explore or have different perspectives.

I love the threesomes that we've had. The great sex with you there. The great sex when you aren't there (rare though it was..)

What I think that you really want to know is why I want sex with one person… I'm completely relaxed with my sexuality. I'm willing to explore, learn and gamble. I'm willing to accept what works and look for more of what works really well. I like the gamble. The excitement. The mix of unknown, fear, submission, power/control, games give/take. The ability to trust an individual and see where it goes.

I enjoy sex, and enjoy that I can relax and it can just be different. I enjoy the uniqueness of a given individual and how their mind works, how their body works. I like that I fit at some level with some individuals and there is no emotional issues. I like being intrigued by different people's thoughts and want to see what their reality looks like.

I want to be worn out and challenged when there aren't emotional issues involved. I want to feel someone challenge me from their perspective of my limits against their own. I want to relax into the knowledge of someone that knows more than I do. I miss finding more depths of my own sexuality from different experiences.

I want the colors of living life fully alive. Not merely muted or pastels. I want to take the risks.. Is there a cost to pay for pleasure? Perhaps. Perhaps we have already paid it, but I am still yours. Always.

I miss how high I am sexually when I come back to you.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Broken, Marked or not . You are mine!

He kissed her at the back door as she returned home. " How was your night?"

" It was ok! Yesterday's adventures were better than this morning. Could you please help me up the stairs? " she said feeling pain soaring up her leg.

He looked down and saw her foot was swollen about double its usual size. She was limping; but in his excitement that she had come home he had failed to notice. He knew she had taken the day off to spend time with some other men. This included a man who was mentoring her in some Eastern love making techniques. His emotions had been running hot and cold for the last 24 hours. The thought of other men touching her and claiming his pussy was sometimes too much for him. At other times he found it arousing and exciting. He had no idea how he was going to greet her until she came home. When he saw her he only wanted to kiss her and take her upstairs to fuck her himself. He may lend her to others but she was his.

Now, he was very concerned. She was not supposed to get hurt and the look on her face showed she was in a lot of pain. He helped her to the bedroom and went to get some ice and wraps for her leg and foot. He recalled a sex blog post that her friend LFM had written on being " Marked " or having lovers leave a mark. He smiled. " She came home this time with a big mark" he thought.

He came back to the room and started to massage her leg and ice it down. She looked so sexy with her bra less breasts underneath the black scoop tee that showed her cleavage so well. Her shorts let him peak to her pussy where a thong barely covered her. He would have her later , her pain was too great now.

He looked at her and teased . " Your boyfriends are going to have to stop playing so rough. It is one thing to leave a mark, it is another for him to try and claim the whole leg and foot! " he said laughing.

She laughed and said " You should have never read LFM's post. Now, I will never live this mark down for the rest of our marriage. I can tell you are not going to let me forget this morning ".

" No my darling , I am not ". But you have no idea how happy I am that you returned to me. Broken, marked, or not, you are mine! "

Yes, they both knew their marriage would survive her infidelity and that whatever had taken place with others would not come between them. He was not sure until he saw her at the back door. She never had a doubt but wondered how he would take her injury.

He let the ice do its healing. He laid down next to her on the bed removing her shirt and sucking the breasts she had shared with others. Her hands were on his head and she was kissing him gently. Their lips met and soon he was inside of her being very careful not upset the ice that surrounding her bandaged ankle. Her marriage reunion was now complete. But her lover's mark which occurred on his stairs would take weeks to heal. To this day the ankle occasionally reminds her of his mark and she smiles recalling the adventures of the day with him and the others she played on her erotic day off.

Posted by E.B.B.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

It is all about you!

Yesterday, I learned the truth.

It is all about you.

Today, I further concluded that I am only your unpaid whore.
We had an affair that has lasted 2 years and included my pussy and my brain at your beck and call.

Part of having an affair with another married person is that you have to accept the limitations of the game. Holidays and personal special days do require some creative present giving so as not to offend or alert the significant others. Separation on special days is part of the game. But when one partner works around the limitations to the others pleasure there is a reciprocity expectation. Or so I thought. However, I thought wrong.

Considering the desperate phone calls I have taken in the middle the night. The nights I have held you as your real world collapsed. How I helped you revive your business. The sacrifices I made and the gifts that I have given over the past two years. Apparently, it was too much to expect you to show me some attention yesterday.

I am guilty. I had a selfish thought. You knew this day was coming. You made promises months ago about this day. You set up expectations. You loved all the special surprises I gave you on your day. You promised that my day would be a special treat.

However, the day came and went in silence. No presents, no phone calls, no text messages, no ecards, or real cards. At least none were received from you. Some other men in my life did remember. They made me feel special and will be rewarded for their attention. But they had not been the focus of two years of my attention and concern. I do not fuck them except when I feel like it and you were always given priority.

Today, as I stare at my cell phone I am angry, hurt and yet puzzled? The text message from you. " I'm horny Let's fuck" and a date, time, place a week from now. You expect me to say yes and be there with my legs spread and my pussy wet. You know I will make an excuse to hubby to shop and stay overnight in that distant town. You did not apologize or in any way refer to the day you missed. So here is my answer. " No, I will not be there to fuck you. Your horniness is no longer my concern."

A tear drops as I hit the enter button. But I know it is for the best. Time to suck it up. The tough part about the choice to end our affair is I cannot cry about it to friends or get the support of family. To the outside world nothing can change but inside the emotions swirl. For at least a little while today I can pretend that the affair was really all about me and my desires. I can tell myself that I enjoyed all the orgasms and the sexual trysts we pulled off behind our spouses back. All the while knowing in my heart it really has been about you and my allowing you to use me.

Good bye.


Saturday, June 21, 2008


It is amazing how often during our own infidelity we refuse to forgive others for what we are guilty of ourselves.

During the afterglow of sex in the arms of my lover, I listened to his pain and concern on the state of his marriage. I am his mistress, best friend, lover, adviser, and silent business partner. He tells me all of the stuff he dares not say to his wife, kids, in laws and others.

So, while holding me in his arms and fondling my breasts, he begins to rant.He tells me that him and his wife have never been on the same page during their entire marriage. The kicker began when his said, " Her having an affair and cheating on me during the first year proves it." He went on to talk about how her cheating during that time is still a source of pain and anger. How it makes her statements in counseling are hypocritical etc. She is the one always holding the grudge. Never, forgiving me for my cheating etc.

It was one of those moments when all you could do was take a deep breath, reflect that at the moment you had his cum flowing out of you and on to him as your bodies were still intertwined, and smile. I reached for his balls and gently fondled and squeezed , raising my face to kiss him.

I lovingly advised, " Love, it is time to release your pain and truly forgive her for that first year affair." I was by now stroking him. His cock was aroused and would soon be ready to fuck again.

" I don't think I ever can" was his reply. It was a painfully truthful answer. " I am tired of being the bad guy, of not having an intimate loving marriage,and living with someone I don't like for the sake of my children."

We were by now fucking doggy style. His fat cock rubbing my g spot into an orgasmic tizzy. My head is in the pillow. My ass in the air as he fucked me senseless into an orgasmic bliss. He was pounding my cunt as he ranted, whined, and moaned about twenty years of hell.

In my orgasmic state, my kegels grabbed and squeezed his cock harder and harder with each thrust. Suddenly I hear, "Damn, you are so good."

As he lays down beside me. We move into 6/9. He begins to drink the juices of our lovemaking. He makes another comment and I gently say, "So, are you ready now to forgive and release the pain so you can love her?" " You are choosing to remain with her why not make it more pleasant?"

I realized I wasted my breath as he was lost in his delight of my pussy. We continued to play and it was evident that his pain from time to time still crossed his mind. There were events and reasons for this happening beyond my control. He obviously just needed me to listen for my words fell on deaf ears.

In the journey beyond monogamy forgiveness is an essential ingredient. We have to give forgiveness to others when they explore outside our relationship in order for them to reciprocate. If either party in the relationship holds onto the pain and chooses not to forgive and release it; a festering wound develops. My lover cannot see his hypocrisy in failing to forgive his wife for a sexual fling decades ago while having an affair currently. He has nurtured his wound and it now blinds him to the reality of his current situation. He describes life as a catch 22. He fails to see that forgiveness is the key to his future happiness.

He is right. His wife does hold grudges and does not forgive easily. She will never forgive the infidelity he committed she knows about. He embarrassed her as far as she is concerned with her family and community. She has made her lack of forgiveness clear to anyone that will listen. I got an earful at a national retreat when her friends used her and her family as an example of a couple that needs to separate. When I put two and two together after the example was given. I just smiled. I could not participate in the discussion for it was too close personally and no one expected me to have any knowledge of the couple. I discovered in listening that others have observed what I know to be true.

I am not in an NSA relationship with this man. It would be easier if it was but I care deeply for him. His lack of forgiveness for his wife makes me uneasy at times. For in all relationships illicit or legal there are times when someone gets hurt, or is unfaithful, or angry over something that occurs. Forgiveness is the key for all relationships. You cannot force someone to forgive. You can only hope and pray that they will choose to do so.

So if you are thinking of journeying to the other side of monogamy make sure you are prepared to forgive others for there will be much to forgive along the way. If you are a couple considering opening your marriage have some candid discussions. Be honest, it is not a time to clam up and not say how you really feel about seeing or knowing your partner sexual adventures with others. If you choose to cheat on your spouse do not assume that you are the only one cheating. You may later be surprised so you must be prepared to forgive as well. Life beyond monogamy is an adventure that requires frequent checks of ones emotions, desires, and expectations. Enjoy the ride but pack some forgiveness along to share.


Monday, May 26, 2008


Bad sex is tough enough when it occurs in a NSA situation on a one night stand. But when you live with the person and must wake with them morning after morning it can become unbearable.

It took over two years of therapy before the dynamite keg was truly discussed. The elephant in the room was finally acknowledged. They yelled and screamed at each other leaving the therapist speechless. Through the noise it was clear that both were emotionally lonely and that intimacy was lacking. Sex was a marriage duty that occurred rarely and for both was something to be endured not enjoyed.

She blamed his job and time away from home. He blamed her health and her hygienic situation. She went ballistic over the hygiene issue and blamed his infidelity earlier in their marriage. Whenever, she got backed into a corner or was asked to make changes in her behavior she always brought the circumstances of their separation a few years ago up. He is an unfaithful cheater and she is a candidate for sainthood. Her unfaithfulness very early in her marriage to this man was not on the table in her mind for discussion.

The truth is she finds sex painful and always has found it emotionally difficult. She has never had sex without crying. She will tell her partners it is tears of joy but really she is trying to mask the pain of spasms she cannot describe that make penetration painful despite the lack of muscle tone in the vaginal area.

Her enormous body felt as sexy as a tent awning. Her body image filed bankruptcy years ago. It was not just sex that was painful, walking could make her wince and waddle. She could not exercise to lose weight without extreme pain. Not losing weight created its own problems in health, body image, and sex. But in the therapist office she was in denial. Her mantra was her husband was not meeting her needs and not spending time with her. She would change nothing but expected him to be ordered to service her. Her bitterness at her prior husbands unfaithfulness and her lack of forgiveness of his sin had nothing to do with her attitude with the current one.

He had long since fallen out of love with his wife. He tolerated her as the mother of his children. Her sarcasm and judgmental attitude had long since drained any love for her except as a co parent. Their intimacy problems were wrecking the family and he knew it. The kids were in the cross fire and acting out. His wife and him had no teamwork and would betray each other by allowing the kids to divide and conquer on rules, privileges, and punishments when the other was not around. He had dropped looking at porn but needed something to fantasize about to get an erection when he was expected to have sex with his wife. Making love to her was like fucking a land flubbing walrus. Legs spread and no reciprocal affection or motion could be expected. He was expected to do all the work. It bothered him that in the morning when his boner did rise on its own she was not open to even masturbating him , or allowing him to fuck her at that time. She hated oral and rarely maybe once a decade would offer such affection.

The session was a disaster. They left hurt and angry with each other. She went home to cry and take a sedative to make her sleep. He went to work and fumed. He was horny and knew that his needs meant nothing to her.

Several clients later he realizes it is late and his driving is getting erratic. He pulls into a truck stop motel to sleep. There is a bar and he decides to get a drink. He soon finds himself flirting with a woman at the bar. She is not nearly as big as his wife but she is still a BBW but what a rack. She is giving him a great view and before long his hands are roaming beneath her skirt. She directs his hand to her pussy and offers to play with his cock. Before long they are naked in his room. She is all play and he marvels what a pleasure to have sex with someone who does not look in pain or crying with every touch. He cums with an orgasm that rocks his balls hard and sends him to a place he had not been for a very long time. She smiles for it was great sex for her too, cleans up and with a kiss she is gone. He sleeps soundly in a white sleep that is deeper than any he has had for a long time.

It disturbs his wife when she wakes and realizes he is not home. She knows they last spoke in anger and starts to cry as the emotional loneliness overtakes her. She knows she has got to take action but feels powerless. The therapist in their couples therapy and her own provider have not been effective in helping her improve herself or her marriage. She loves him but knows she is losing him. What she does not understand is she has lost him in so many ways more than just sexually.

He comes home and decides that he would be better off plunging into work. So his days become longer and on the nights he does not come home he is looking for NSA.

One day he notices a book by a talk show host by the bed. Worse, he gets an email from his wife totally out of character for her. She was not into writing I love you emails and how wonderful you are to me stuff. She did not do it in their good times and he choked as he read it now. The irony was that he got the email after she had just bit his head off for not being available to assist with a pickup of a child due to a business trip. He calls a friend who has tried to help him cope with his marriage. He reads the email and she tells him the book the passage with a few changes came out of.

"How did you know she was reading that book?" he asked.

"Did I tell you?"

"No, but I am familiar with the exercises and the book"

" You wife is doing her homework trying to flame your desire for her by being nice to you." his friend adds.

" You mean she is doing the marriage self help homework?"

" Yes, she is "

" She needs to back it up with action and not just words" " She has done this before and never gets to making any real changes. " " She just writes and says stuff that it is obvious she does not mean". says the distraught husband.

A few weeks later , the phones rings. " You will not believe what she is reading now?" " She ordered a book on Sex by a Christian author ". I found it by the bed.

" Please tell me she is not going to want me to do more for her than I do already."

" I really hate sex with her" he complained followed by a tidbit. " Sex on the road is now happening more and more."

" I really like some of the women I have fucked. The truck motel is getting to be my favorite lucky spot."

" You are getting too lucky for your own good. " You wife is planning to winning you back". says his friend.

" She does not know I am cheating" says the delusional husband.

" That is what you think, and for now she will deny it to herself. But on some level she knows and she is not the fool you take her for at times. " says the friend.

" How do you know her so well?" " You two have only met for a moment a long time ago". says the husband.

" She is more like the woman I was than I want to admit. She is no different than many I know . " " The question is whether she is going to do the homework in a certain chapter of that sex book and whether you are ready for it? "

" How do you know that book so well?"

" I read it and it blew husband's mind when I did the homework I just mentioned."

" Well you could do that homework with me? I will let you practice on me anytime" says the husband who loves to fuck his friend in his dreams but she has never allowed such intimacy.

" Sorry, I am not your wife, but yours is about to unleash a force of marital sexual energy if she buys in to some of the lessons of that chapter. "

" That is scary. This whole Christian sex book business is scary. I don't want her and she just needs to leave me alone." " I cannot have sex with her anymore"

" Excuse me, but you have a ten year plan to stay married to this woman and raise children with her. " " Unless you have picked up an STD you will be having sex with her if you know what is good for you" " If not, kiss you business and kids good bye if she finds a good divorce lawyer." the friend counters.

" She would never...." says the friend getting more scared by the minute.

" Oh, please, after her reaction to your non STD rash do you think if you give her an STD from cheating she is not going to rake you through court? "

" That is why I am not going to have sex with her anymore?" " I don't have an STD but I cannot pass her anything if we are not having sex."

The phone rings in the middle of the night. She is on a business trip in another time zone. His friends answers through the fog of her own dreams.

" Damn, she grabbed my dick for a BJ at 4 am this morning and then wanted sex in the shower". " She has never desired my morning wood before."

" Did she taste the blond from your midnight quickie? "

" Damn, How did you know about that? " " Do you have a cam following me around? "

She smiled he is so blissfully ignorant about the sex blogs on and off the dating sites. She had read earlier a post on a blog of an acquaintance about a mercy fuck. It did not take long to figure out who it was. The post had some very descriptive clues. Brain surgery was not required knowing the blogger's close proximity to her friend's hang outs when he is on the prowl. It did not hurt she was blogging about some of the same locations and places he was calling her from and describing to her over the past few weeks. She had gotten an email from the blond blogger confirming her suspicions a couple of hours ago. She had laid down trying to figure out how to reply to that email that read like an erotic story on AFF. His phone call woke her up.

She said to her friend quietly, " You don't want to know all my secrets". " How was the BJ? " " Did you take my advice on positioning her for the shower sex?"

" I am scared she really liked sex in the shower and said she will be getting up with my hard on more often". " I don't want her " " This is a nightmare"

" If she is happier and less sarcastic because you had sex it will be worth it." " If you two have more intimacy and teamwork in bed it will carry forward to how you manage the kids."

" I have not seen that improvement yet"

" In time , she can't implement both books simultaneously all the time. It takes time to change sexual habits, appetites and start to give more than receive. " " You are going to have to share that scared boner of yours with her every time she desires it. " " My advice is to clean it well and make sure no trace of another female can be found on you even in your private parts. "

" How am I going to do that? She already found blond hair in my ball area this morning? I told her it was from the lady that did the laundry last week when the washer broke." " I can't do this. She cannot spark me to desire her again."
"Damn, just the thought of her wanting more sex more often makes even my boner scared" But he is aroused just talking about the blond from the previous night hair in his private parts. " He plays with himself as the conversation continues.

" Good, think of her but fuck you wife." " Scared or not you have two good reasons to try to get the feeling back with her and if it takes some mental crutches in the mean time go for it. But stop cheating for a while and give her a chance. "

Click, The cell phone connection died. Network busy... Her guess the network was not the only busy thing on his end of the phone. As she laid back down she could see him jacking off in her dreams. He may be scared of his wife's sexual expectations but he was not stupid. He loved his children and lost them during their last separation. He vowed he would never leave again until they were grown. His friend knew and understood.

He smiled as he jacked off in his vehicle. He knew his friend was right about trying to work things out with his wife.."Now, isn't there a quote about love overcoming fear?" he thought as he started to drive again. If so, it would be her concern overcoming his fear of his wife's love and passion when his own was long since gone...

She went to sleep knowing she must slip out of his life for him to be more intimate emotionally with his wife. But she would save that discussion for later. He was truly scared enough at the moment. She needed to help him be receptive to his wife's attentions. She would let him go soon enough..her days in this emotionally polygamous-like on one side but emotional cheating on another relationship were numbered. Her husband knew all but his wife was not informed. The wife was jealous of any women in his life, including his sister, except their children. The friend was afraid he would find life without her too scary at this moment.. If she shared that she was letting go of him and their intimate relationship as well. She knew for him to bond with his wife it would be necessary. She sighed as she drifted off to sleep.

by E.B.B.