Saturday, December 8, 2007

Dam breaking

NOTE: This post was originally written on my own blog, and removed. It is followed by "Loved Endlessly." Tom Paine suggested that I place it here. I did, with only minor edits. We also then spent an entire weekend talking.

Dam breaking...

Again and again.

You asked what I would write here if you weren't reading. This post is an example. It's my feelings. Some days I don't feel as if I have anything left. Words and thoughts that should stay in my head. Or at least far away from you. Because in the end they are feelings that will pass and that we will work through.

You said that we aren't making any progress on issues and you used the blog as an example. My need for privacy. Such nonsense. Can I just point out that you didn't abide by the rules that we set in the beginning. It would be your fault then that the issue persists. But I don't look for blame, I try to move forward and solve the problem. Again. And that means talking again. Things change over time. Grumble. You said that you want to get to know each other on a deeper and deeper level. I'm fine with that, but I'm hurt that you said I'm keeping things from you. Hurt that you felt that I had secrets to hide. Look at the damn blog. I rarely even get comments, and I respond to them less. I show you everything. Talk to you about everything. I'm aware of the fact that everytime you walk by my computer you want to know what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, what it's about. I keep nothing from you. Yet when we address hard issues and I want to process them and you don't kept the agreements we made and I'm struggling I'm doing something wrong to ask again. You know, I really appreciated when you said how sad you'd be to not read. Really appreciated you talking about understanding me from a different prism. But we had to talk about it to understand both points of view.

Did it occur that maybe just this point in time was inevitable, and that we're handling it better than anyone but us ever could. I think that we are... Despite it all, our relationship is strong. Incredibly strong. Yes, we're both tired. I don't want you truly wise, God Dammit. I want you for who you are. Mine. And I'll scream that across the neighborhood if you don't get it.

No phrases.
No lazy writing.
No Poetry.
That was nonsense anyway.
Bullshit.
Writing here.
Where I can scream in the dark. Yell. Cry.
Heard. Or not.
But the door is open...
Darkness in my mind.

You are so fucking worried about what others might think I say about you. I don't care about others. I never have. I started this blog thinking that there would be nobody to hear me. There are now. But not the sames ones. Your pain hurts me. But I can't fix it. Only tell you that your are wrong. Call you an idiot or take you in my arms, but you won't listen to me. And I'm left feeling like I do something wrong. Again and again. Every day almost. But I let it go. I won't remember or dwell on it. Won't focus on how I screw up. Won't believe it. I just remember the feeling that it happens again. I know it's not me. Know it doesn't matter and I'm reading it wrong. I'm stronger than that. But I'm not pleasing you.

When I feel like that with you is it so wrong to want the simple pleasure of just pleasing someone sexually... Nothing more.

You got what you want. All the fantasies came true. But the game was harder than you expected. Nothing was the way it seemed. I understand. That's not a problem. But damn it, I didn't. Perhaps I want to much. My desires are more than just a fantasy though. I've grown and I've changed. And I want more too. But I'm the one willing to give it all up. Right the fuck now. Regardless. No more discussion. Nothing. Because it's not right for you or for us. But don't expect it to be easy. I'm giving up something, and it's something I want. You opened Pandora's box, and I'll try to close it again. With at least a broken hinge, but I'll try. But it's not the same. It doesn't fucking fit anymore, and it isn't easy. Don't expect me to say, "Sure. No problem. It's the same as it used to be." There are lots of reasons it's not. So I do everything that I possibly can to tell you what I see as different. How it won't be the same, how I want to change, to make it better for both of us. Safeguards. How I'm giving you peace. And you tell me that I'm giving you ultimatums and threats. What the fuck? Sigh. Something wrong again. Guess I communicated that I'm willing to do what is best for you, best for us so damned well. Oh fuck. Let's try that one again. You don't even have to say a damn word. I spend most of my time thinking about you and I. Us. Unproductive in so many other aspects of my life. And still I screw up. I can't think and I'm so close to just shutting down sometimes. But that's not me.

I'll keep fighting for you. Till I get it right.
Don't mess with the Dragon.
I love you.
Idiot.
Where in the hell, do you think you're going to lose me.
Not bloody likely.
Just about anyone could tell you otherwise...

Yes, I want to fuck him. Yes, he wants me. Does that mean I want you less? No. Not even. Will I get back on this damned fucking rollercoaster if we get off? I might throw up first. I just soooo love the idea of get off now and when you get the rest of your mind together we will jump back on the fuck up train.

Yes, I care about you accepting my sexuality. Shouldn't I? Fuck yes, I should. I've changed a hell of lot over the last two years. I'll go back to where I was... Easy enough. But you were the one that wanted some excitement and change in our live. Exploration, richness, adventure. Whatever the fuck the reasons were. I don't know anymore, because it seems like what I remember is different from what you remember. But you don't want me to go back. You don't seem to want me where I am either. I don't like living in the twilight zone, thank you very much. Did I say anything about being ahead of you sexually. Better? And therefore more accepting of others that are different? Umm no. Fuck no. I said, I've grown and changed. Seems pretty natural consequence of what's happened to me. I love you for who you are... But what do we do? Far as I can tell you don't like this and this and this and this and this... Well, Maam, thank you very much for the ride, but I think I got on the wrong bus and went in the wrong direction for awhile. OK. That's fine with me, but I'm having a bit of trouble suggesting where we should go next. I liked and loved you before. I'M WILLING TO GO BACK TO WHERE WE WERE. But fuck it all. I didn't start this. You did. And you did, because you wanted change.

So excuse me if at some times I have just a little bit of trouble processing the whirlwind, and please Damn it don't accuse me of saying that I don't like who you are or were. Because that isn't never was and never will be the case. OH yeah. Don't transfer your confusion to me that way. Don't make me feel as if it's all my fault and I'm doing something wrong again (not that I even know what anymore). I may be, but that sure as hell isn't it.

I ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. No matter what you want.

I'm pissed because you're feeling threatened about what someone else might be telling me to do. Yet you don't want to know either. Great. Just great. How am I supposed to get around that one. I'll tell you one thing. He won't ever come between us. Won't ever ask for anything that we've agreed upon. Or ask to see me when I can't. He doesn't pressure me in that way, but completely supports us. It's a good thing, and one reason I like him. But what am I supposed to do? I'm in the middle again. So I back away from EVERYTHING. Cause I can't please you no matter what I do, and it's wrong to do anything else because I know you. Know what you need. Then I get accused of threatening you or ultimatums.

But I will give up what I might desire, because in this case it is wrong. For us... At least for quite awhile. I only wish I'd seen it coming before it ever started... Had a crystal ball that could predict the future. Kept Pandora's box closed. I think that trying to go back will be so much harder than growing was. Change wasn't easy to begin with.

Just buy a big damn purple lock...
Memorize the combination after several margaritas.
Burn the paper.
Then go to sleep...
Memories and thoughts locked away...

I'm sorry if you don't like the reality of life right now. I'll kept trying. Anything for us together. But I don't know what you want. Don't know how to please you any more, and that hurts. Everything I say seems wrong. Everything I do seems like it's not quite right either. So I'm going back to where I was. But that's not easy, and you don't want that either. *Turns head to side* Comes back and tries again.

My place.
My writing.
You don't have to like it here.
I'll send this to you before the end of the month.
Before the end of the week, but I'm not sure what day.
I have other plans in mind.
To show you my love...

Grumble.
I give too much.
Of myself some days.
A switch.

1 comment:

AirenWolf said...

OMG that post hurts so much to read...in my relationship with Sigel (my husband) he could have written that to me so many many times. All I can do is scream "I'm Sorry!" over and over in my soul and whisper it to him in every way I can think of all the time. So many times we project our own insecurities and fears on the one closest to us and it isn't fair, or kind or loving...hell it isn't even honest. Still I do love him and the trust is beginning to mend and like a broken bone it is stronger with use and time.
Yes I do hear you and yes I do need your experiences to put mine into perspective. I need to hear that there is a light in the end of the tunnel even if you don't see it yet. The worst part of this whole incredible journey is the realization of the truth 'sometimes love simply isn't enough'. It preys on my mind at times but I have to trust that perhaps in my case, in our case, for today it IS enough.
Love to both of you, ~Airen