Saturday, December 8, 2007

Loved Endlessly

So my love...
Where do I start.
How do I let you know what I feel. Not just once, but every day all the time. How do I fight the fear inside you. How do I show you that I love you above all others? It is more than spending time with you. More than the joy I feel and show when you come home. More than the when I come home to you. More than purring in the middle of the night as I wrap my arms around you or snuggle against your chest. Do you hear me then? More than chatting during the day or talking by phone. Do you remember how often I call you as I leave work, and don't want to get off the phone. Those few minutes without the children. Yes, I have other plans as well. But spending time with you isn't our problem nor the solution.

The fear comes from within. Not from me. I'll ride your storms- no matter what they may be. For there is nobody on this earth that matches me as you do. "Confidence, openness, and willingness to try new things." Where in the world did you get the idea that was all I loved you for? Right... Oh yeah. I'm pretty much opposed to trying new things, and my fear factor is high. I'm more risk adverse than you. You've made me pretty uncomfortable many times and never mind what happens when I let you into the kitchen! I have to be grateful that you're cooking for me, because I sure never know what I'm going to eat and I'm not fond of that! I appreciate the work that you do for me on a daily basis.

Let's talk about me for a bit... Me. Me. Me.. I love you for many reasons. I love that you understand me more than anyone in the world, more than I often understand myself. I love your unyielding honesty. I love your caring nature. I love your intelligence. I love your humor. I love that you will hold me and caress me endlessly. I love that you will humor my silliness. I love that your communication skills are so superb. I love that you are so good with the girls. I love that you are willing to admit mistakes. I love that we talk. Oh wait- I think I said that in different words! I love that you build me fires and do everything you can for me, especially to keep me warm. I love how you want to make our home better always. I love your desire to please me.

I love how you are always reaching for the stars. Sometimes you might feel as if you fall. I love you still. I never wanted perfect.

I love you, Babe. Not how you happen to feel on a good or bad day.

And you won't get rid of me that easily. You won't ever get rid of me. I'm not going anywhere. Now. Ever. Love me with your soul, for you already have mine. I take that risk. It's yours.

Other people aren't going to change that. Those that know me well know that. Why do you even doubt it now. If they can't see that in me, they are blind to all that I am.

Do you see, my love, that I would give up everything for you. So much of what I am. What I might need or think that I do. Only to find ways for us together. For you. I know that you would tell me not to, but you would not be able to stop me either. Expectations. Desire. It simple does not matter if it us not right for us, not me. But you don't see that right now, and that hurts.

Is it wrong to want to be accepted for all that I am? Wrong to want you to accept me completely for as sexual as I've become? No, I don't think that it is. I didn't say it was important to me. Only that right now, you don't. In the end, that too does not matter. For I know how to be flexible enough to make it work for both of us. And I will.

If I told you that I saw two men on the beach, and my mind drifted. I imagined being between the two of them on the beach. Not sex, but there hands on me. Playing. Their bodies shielding mine from the sight of others. Sexual thoughts. I didn't even smile at them. Didn't even want to talk to them. But my mind is sexual. If I told you that I came on the beach, what would you think. I don't really think that it would please or excite you. Right now, I want to shut that side of me down. Want to bury it, because it's causing you tension. Just the creative, sexual side of my mind. No matter what the consequences are.

I can't help sometimes seeing someone that I find sexy or attractive and feeling desire. It's hot. I love the unexpected. I love what's happened sometimes when we go out alone focused on each other and someone is watching me. At times you did as well. Desire or interest in others doesn't mean I'm less attracted to you less. Never. You always come first. But I can shut that down as well. Or acknowledge it so briefly in my mind that I'm pretending it doesn't exist. I have that strength. And I'd do it for us. For you. Again, it doesn't matter if you tell me that it would be wrong to do so.

Yet, my love... I'm not sure that you would like it. For my sexuality in my mind overlaps my body. My desire is part of who I am. Part of who you want. I can bury what I see is causing problems, but there might be other problems.

I will give you all that you want. All that you need. For that is what I need. There is only one thing that I need. Time. Time to think sometimes. Time to absorb our thoughts and the energy or our love. I suspect that will be one of the hardest for you to understand right now. Not time away from you. Never, for I like your presence. Just time of quiet sometimes.

Loved... Endlessly.

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