Sunday, November 11, 2007

Unexpected paths

When you begin to play with others, how does that change certain individual dynamics? The concept of "ownership" is one example. My husband and I have a very equal relationship. When it comes to bedroom activities, we both initiate sex and either one of us can take a slightly more dominant role.

One night, I sent my husband an bit of a chat between a sex partner, let's call him "Tom" and I. It was meant to reassure him. To emphasize how he sees me only as someone for sexual needs, "a toy" and I am "his wife." That he doesn't have emotional attachment to me. Nor I to him. Something went wrong in the communication, and he reacted. He needed more information, and at the time I really couldn't talk to him. I expected another night of long conversation. I drove home wondering how I could *again* do something so wrong that I thought was so simple, so reassuring, and showing my love for him. I found my own peace and prepared to talk. Yet, part of me was still tense that something so simple had gone wrong. Again. Was this jealous or what was going on?

It turns out that part of what was troubling him was simple word choice. There was an aspect of "ownership" that he read into the words. Perhaps the words were "my toy." I don't know exactly, and it doesn't matter. My husband claims that he has no right of ownership in any context.

I'm discovering that I like the submissive side of sex. Tom has taken the dominant role with me. In this context it's natural that he perceives a certain "ownership" of his "toy," but that can be his perception without affecting my relationship with my husband. I rarely see him. My husband has claimed that he is not jealous of this individual and that it really is OK for me to continue to see him.

He never expected to have to cope with the fact that I'm attracted to BDSM or that I have a strong submissive side. He never expected to have to come with the fact that he reacted to feeling somehow threatened by the fact that someone has "ownership" in a sexual role, but is not a threat to our relationship. Unexpected paths.


Anonymous said...

I'm not intending to be critical here, but I can see why your husband did not grasp the message you intended to communicate. Your writing is confusing to me also in this post. Often the pronoun "he" does not seem clear as to whom it refers, whether to "Tom" or to your "husband." I read back through your previous posts to gather more information. Your posts are very interesting to me and well written, with the exception perhaps as noted above.

Nightstar said...

I'm sorry to be confusing. Tom Paine emailed me this comment and he pointed out that there might have been some confusion in relationship between him and I. I choose the name "Tom" to reflect an old boyfriend from high school. No more.

This individual has not been written about in any other posts. The post wasn't about him, but more about the issues of "ownership" that arose from sharing a chat meant to reassure my husband.

Issues sometimes are confusing and hard to write clearly. I will make a point to try to identify individuals better though.

I do appreciate feedback, and have been wondering if this blog was of any value to anyone. Thanks.