Monday, May 26, 2008

Scared

Bad sex is tough enough when it occurs in a NSA situation on a one night stand. But when you live with the person and must wake with them morning after morning it can become unbearable.

It took over two years of therapy before the dynamite keg was truly discussed. The elephant in the room was finally acknowledged. They yelled and screamed at each other leaving the therapist speechless. Through the noise it was clear that both were emotionally lonely and that intimacy was lacking. Sex was a marriage duty that occurred rarely and for both was something to be endured not enjoyed.

She blamed his job and time away from home. He blamed her health and her hygienic situation. She went ballistic over the hygiene issue and blamed his infidelity earlier in their marriage. Whenever, she got backed into a corner or was asked to make changes in her behavior she always brought the circumstances of their separation a few years ago up. He is an unfaithful cheater and she is a candidate for sainthood. Her unfaithfulness very early in her marriage to this man was not on the table in her mind for discussion.

The truth is she finds sex painful and always has found it emotionally difficult. She has never had sex without crying. She will tell her partners it is tears of joy but really she is trying to mask the pain of spasms she cannot describe that make penetration painful despite the lack of muscle tone in the vaginal area.

Her enormous body felt as sexy as a tent awning. Her body image filed bankruptcy years ago. It was not just sex that was painful, walking could make her wince and waddle. She could not exercise to lose weight without extreme pain. Not losing weight created its own problems in health, body image, and sex. But in the therapist office she was in denial. Her mantra was her husband was not meeting her needs and not spending time with her. She would change nothing but expected him to be ordered to service her. Her bitterness at her prior husbands unfaithfulness and her lack of forgiveness of his sin had nothing to do with her attitude with the current one.

He had long since fallen out of love with his wife. He tolerated her as the mother of his children. Her sarcasm and judgmental attitude had long since drained any love for her except as a co parent. Their intimacy problems were wrecking the family and he knew it. The kids were in the cross fire and acting out. His wife and him had no teamwork and would betray each other by allowing the kids to divide and conquer on rules, privileges, and punishments when the other was not around. He had dropped looking at porn but needed something to fantasize about to get an erection when he was expected to have sex with his wife. Making love to her was like fucking a land flubbing walrus. Legs spread and no reciprocal affection or motion could be expected. He was expected to do all the work. It bothered him that in the morning when his boner did rise on its own she was not open to even masturbating him , or allowing him to fuck her at that time. She hated oral and rarely maybe once a decade would offer such affection.

The session was a disaster. They left hurt and angry with each other. She went home to cry and take a sedative to make her sleep. He went to work and fumed. He was horny and knew that his needs meant nothing to her.

Several clients later he realizes it is late and his driving is getting erratic. He pulls into a truck stop motel to sleep. There is a bar and he decides to get a drink. He soon finds himself flirting with a woman at the bar. She is not nearly as big as his wife but she is still a BBW but what a rack. She is giving him a great view and before long his hands are roaming beneath her skirt. She directs his hand to her pussy and offers to play with his cock. Before long they are naked in his room. She is all play and he marvels what a pleasure to have sex with someone who does not look in pain or crying with every touch. He cums with an orgasm that rocks his balls hard and sends him to a place he had not been for a very long time. She smiles for it was great sex for her too, cleans up and with a kiss she is gone. He sleeps soundly in a white sleep that is deeper than any he has had for a long time.

It disturbs his wife when she wakes and realizes he is not home. She knows they last spoke in anger and starts to cry as the emotional loneliness overtakes her. She knows she has got to take action but feels powerless. The therapist in their couples therapy and her own provider have not been effective in helping her improve herself or her marriage. She loves him but knows she is losing him. What she does not understand is she has lost him in so many ways more than just sexually.

He comes home and decides that he would be better off plunging into work. So his days become longer and on the nights he does not come home he is looking for NSA.

One day he notices a book by a talk show host by the bed. Worse, he gets an email from his wife totally out of character for her. She was not into writing I love you emails and how wonderful you are to me stuff. She did not do it in their good times and he choked as he read it now. The irony was that he got the email after she had just bit his head off for not being available to assist with a pickup of a child due to a business trip. He calls a friend who has tried to help him cope with his marriage. He reads the email and she tells him the book the passage with a few changes came out of.

"How did you know she was reading that book?" he asked.

"Did I tell you?"

"No, but I am familiar with the exercises and the book"

" You wife is doing her homework trying to flame your desire for her by being nice to you." his friend adds.

" You mean she is doing the marriage self help homework?"

" Yes, she is "

" She needs to back it up with action and not just words" " She has done this before and never gets to making any real changes. " " She just writes and says stuff that it is obvious she does not mean". says the distraught husband.

A few weeks later , the phones rings. " You will not believe what she is reading now?" " She ordered a book on Sex by a Christian author ". I found it by the bed.

" Please tell me she is not going to want me to do more for her than I do already."

" I really hate sex with her" he complained followed by a tidbit. " Sex on the road is now happening more and more."

" I really like some of the women I have fucked. The truck motel is getting to be my favorite lucky spot."

" You are getting too lucky for your own good. " You wife is planning to winning you back". says his friend.

" She does not know I am cheating" says the delusional husband.

" That is what you think, and for now she will deny it to herself. But on some level she knows and she is not the fool you take her for at times. " says the friend.

" How do you know her so well?" " You two have only met for a moment a long time ago". says the husband.

" She is more like the woman I was than I want to admit. She is no different than many I know . " " The question is whether she is going to do the homework in a certain chapter of that sex book and whether you are ready for it? "

" How do you know that book so well?"

" I read it and it blew husband's mind when I did the homework I just mentioned."

" Well you could do that homework with me? I will let you practice on me anytime" says the husband who loves to fuck his friend in his dreams but she has never allowed such intimacy.

" Sorry, I am not your wife, but yours is about to unleash a force of marital sexual energy if she buys in to some of the lessons of that chapter. "

" That is scary. This whole Christian sex book business is scary. I don't want her and she just needs to leave me alone." " I cannot have sex with her anymore"

" Excuse me, but you have a ten year plan to stay married to this woman and raise children with her. " " Unless you have picked up an STD you will be having sex with her if you know what is good for you" " If not, kiss you business and kids good bye if she finds a good divorce lawyer." the friend counters.

" She would never...." says the friend getting more scared by the minute.

" Oh, please, after her reaction to your non STD rash do you think if you give her an STD from cheating she is not going to rake you through court? "

" That is why I am not going to have sex with her anymore?" " I don't have an STD but I cannot pass her anything if we are not having sex."

The phone rings in the middle of the night. She is on a business trip in another time zone. His friends answers through the fog of her own dreams.

" Damn, she grabbed my dick for a BJ at 4 am this morning and then wanted sex in the shower". " She has never desired my morning wood before."

" Did she taste the blond from your midnight quickie? "

" Damn, How did you know about that? " " Do you have a cam following me around? "

She smiled he is so blissfully ignorant about the sex blogs on and off the dating sites. She had read earlier a post on a blog of an acquaintance about a mercy fuck. It did not take long to figure out who it was. The post had some very descriptive clues. Brain surgery was not required knowing the blogger's close proximity to her friend's hang outs when he is on the prowl. It did not hurt she was blogging about some of the same locations and places he was calling her from and describing to her over the past few weeks. She had gotten an email from the blond blogger confirming her suspicions a couple of hours ago. She had laid down trying to figure out how to reply to that email that read like an erotic story on AFF. His phone call woke her up.

She said to her friend quietly, " You don't want to know all my secrets". " How was the BJ? " " Did you take my advice on positioning her for the shower sex?"

" I am scared she really liked sex in the shower and said she will be getting up with my hard on more often". " I don't want her " " This is a nightmare"

" If she is happier and less sarcastic because you had sex it will be worth it." " If you two have more intimacy and teamwork in bed it will carry forward to how you manage the kids."

" I have not seen that improvement yet"

" In time , she can't implement both books simultaneously all the time. It takes time to change sexual habits, appetites and start to give more than receive. " " You are going to have to share that scared boner of yours with her every time she desires it. " " My advice is to clean it well and make sure no trace of another female can be found on you even in your private parts. "

" How am I going to do that? She already found blond hair in my ball area this morning? I told her it was from the lady that did the laundry last week when the washer broke." " I can't do this. She cannot spark me to desire her again."
"Damn, just the thought of her wanting more sex more often makes even my boner scared" But he is aroused just talking about the blond from the previous night hair in his private parts. " He plays with himself as the conversation continues.

" Good, think of her but fuck you wife." " Scared or not you have two good reasons to try to get the feeling back with her and if it takes some mental crutches in the mean time go for it. But stop cheating for a while and give her a chance. "

Click, The cell phone connection died. Network busy... Her guess the network was not the only busy thing on his end of the phone. As she laid back down she could see him jacking off in her dreams. He may be scared of his wife's sexual expectations but he was not stupid. He loved his children and lost them during their last separation. He vowed he would never leave again until they were grown. His friend knew and understood.

He smiled as he jacked off in his vehicle. He knew his friend was right about trying to work things out with his wife.."Now, isn't there a quote about love overcoming fear?" he thought as he started to drive again. If so, it would be her concern overcoming his fear of his wife's love and passion when his own was long since gone...

She went to sleep knowing she must slip out of his life for him to be more intimate emotionally with his wife. But she would save that discussion for later. He was truly scared enough at the moment. She needed to help him be receptive to his wife's attentions. She would let him go soon enough..her days in this emotionally polygamous-like on one side but emotional cheating on another relationship were numbered. Her husband knew all but his wife was not informed. The wife was jealous of any women in his life, including his sister, except their children. The friend was afraid he would find life without her too scary at this moment.. If she shared that she was letting go of him and their intimate relationship as well. She knew for him to bond with his wife it would be necessary. She sighed as she drifted off to sleep.

by E.B.B.


2 comments:

Rosie said...

Writing things out is often such a good way to examine a situation. This was a bit hard to follow at time. Was it really a polygamous relationship if the wife was unaware of the other woman? I thought all the individuals had to be open and accepting.

E.B.B. said...

Thank you for your comments Rosie. It made perfect sense in the middle of the night. But it the light of the morning, I could see it was hard to follow. I have edited it a bit for clarity. The poly relationship is not a true one since it exists only on the married friend's side but relationships rarely fit the clear definitions of labels there is always some differences. The post explores the various aspects of cheating and sex with others, including emotional intimacy with someone beside your spouse. It also includes the frustration and desperation actions of a wife trying to repair her marriage and a husband who is no longer interested in the fix. The situation is difficult and at times extremely frustrating for all. Thank you for reading and offering such good constructive criticism. Hugs!