You asked

You asked me what I missed...
And my gut reaction was "Anything that I say, can and will be used against me."
Tension. Before I even think of the answer. I'm worried about you feeling threatened. Worried about you saying, "but I can do that" or distressed because you don't feel as if you can.

You like to hike. To the end of the road. Let's just see what's beyond the next corner or the next hill. A desire to keep going, a desire to know. It's there.

I miss dancing, being sexy, being watched. Knowing that we can cross the limits that others set. Knowing that if someone has the confidence to approach- there are many, many different levels at which I can respond.

I love the wildness of picking someone up from a bar/club and seeing where it would go. Lack of rules.

I love the interaction with someone completely unknown. Not knowing what they will do or how sex will go. Not knowing what they will want.

I love interacting with sexually alive, open and willing people. People that are no afraid of their passions, who are willing to explore or have different perspectives.

I love the threesomes that we've had. The great sex with you there. The great sex when you aren't there (rare though it was..)

What I think that you really want to know is why I want sex with one person… I'm completely relaxed with my sexuality. I'm willing to explore, learn and gamble. I'm willing to accept what works and look for more of what works really well. I like the gamble. The excitement. The mix of unknown, fear, submission, power/control, games give/take. The ability to trust an individual and see where it goes.

I enjoy sex, and enjoy that I can relax and it can just be different. I enjoy the uniqueness of a given individual and how their mind works, how their body works. I like that I fit at some level with some individuals and there is no emotional issues. I like being intrigued by different people's thoughts and want to see what their reality looks like.

I want to be worn out and challenged when there aren't emotional issues involved. I want to feel someone challenge me from their perspective of my limits against their own. I want to relax into the knowledge of someone that knows more than I do. I miss finding more depths of my own sexuality from different experiences.

I want the colors of living life fully alive. Not merely muted or pastels. I want to take the risks.. Is there a cost to pay for pleasure? Perhaps. Perhaps we have already paid it, but I am still yours. Always.

I miss how high I am sexually when I come back to you.

Sacred & Profane

I read an article in a free magazine at lunch the other day. It quoted something from a book called Sacred & Profane. The distance of the two words struck with me, and I plan to look up more about the book.

Today, I had a tubal ligation. The timing strikes me as strange. We spent the weekend discussing many things, including if we should continue. I believe we will. We also resolved many things. My husband gets turned on a lot by thinking of me with another man, and I am very sexual. But it is an awkward time for me to think of surgery- even something as routine to the doctors as a tubal ligation. It is not routine to me. The day has not been pleasant.

I am content with my choice today for many reasons. I do not want more children. Only if the event that my husband died would I consider it, and rarely then. But if we backed off from sex with other people, the surgery today is a bit irrelevant to our life together.

Some of the choices that you begin to make are both Sacred and Profane...


Loved Endlessly

So my love...
Where do I start.
How do I let you know what I feel. Not just once, but every day all the time. How do I fight the fear inside you. How do I show you that I love you above all others? It is more than spending time with you. More than the joy I feel and show when you come home. More than the when I come home to you. More than purring in the middle of the night as I wrap my arms around you or snuggle against your chest. Do you hear me then? More than chatting during the day or talking by phone. Do you remember how often I call you as I leave work, and don't want to get off the phone. Those few minutes without the children. Yes, I have other plans as well. But spending time with you isn't our problem nor the solution.

The fear comes from within. Not from me. I'll ride your storms- no matter what they may be. For there is nobody on this earth that matches me as you do. "Confidence, openness, and willingness to try new things." Where in the world did you get the idea that was all I loved you for? Right... Oh yeah. I'm pretty much opposed to trying new things, and my fear factor is high. I'm more risk adverse than you. You've made me pretty uncomfortable many times and never mind what happens when I let you into the kitchen! I have to be grateful that you're cooking for me, because I sure never know what I'm going to eat and I'm not fond of that! I appreciate the work that you do for me on a daily basis.

Let's talk about me for a bit... Me. Me. Me.. I love you for many reasons. I love that you understand me more than anyone in the world, more than I often understand myself. I love your unyielding honesty. I love your caring nature. I love your intelligence. I love your humor. I love that you will hold me and caress me endlessly. I love that you will humor my silliness. I love that your communication skills are so superb. I love that you are so good with the girls. I love that you are willing to admit mistakes. I love that we talk. Oh wait- I think I said that in different words! I love that you build me fires and do everything you can for me, especially to keep me warm. I love how you want to make our home better always. I love your desire to please me.

I love how you are always reaching for the stars. Sometimes you might feel as if you fall. I love you still. I never wanted perfect.

I love you, Babe. Not how you happen to feel on a good or bad day.

And you won't get rid of me that easily. You won't ever get rid of me. I'm not going anywhere. Now. Ever. Love me with your soul, for you already have mine. I take that risk. It's yours.

Other people aren't going to change that. Those that know me well know that. Why do you even doubt it now. If they can't see that in me, they are blind to all that I am.

Do you see, my love, that I would give up everything for you. So much of what I am. What I might need or think that I do. Only to find ways for us together. For you. I know that you would tell me not to, but you would not be able to stop me either. Expectations. Desire. It simple does not matter if it us not right for us, not me. But you don't see that right now, and that hurts.

Is it wrong to want to be accepted for all that I am? Wrong to want you to accept me completely for as sexual as I've become? No, I don't think that it is. I didn't say it was important to me. Only that right now, you don't. In the end, that too does not matter. For I know how to be flexible enough to make it work for both of us. And I will.

If I told you that I saw two men on the beach, and my mind drifted. I imagined being between the two of them on the beach. Not sex, but there hands on me. Playing. Their bodies shielding mine from the sight of others. Sexual thoughts. I didn't even smile at them. Didn't even want to talk to them. But my mind is sexual. If I told you that I came on the beach, what would you think. I don't really think that it would please or excite you. Right now, I want to shut that side of me down. Want to bury it, because it's causing you tension. Just the creative, sexual side of my mind. No matter what the consequences are.

I can't help sometimes seeing someone that I find sexy or attractive and feeling desire. It's hot. I love the unexpected. I love what's happened sometimes when we go out alone focused on each other and someone is watching me. At times you did as well. Desire or interest in others doesn't mean I'm less attracted to you less. Never. You always come first. But I can shut that down as well. Or acknowledge it so briefly in my mind that I'm pretending it doesn't exist. I have that strength. And I'd do it for us. For you. Again, it doesn't matter if you tell me that it would be wrong to do so.

Yet, my love... I'm not sure that you would like it. For my sexuality in my mind overlaps my body. My desire is part of who I am. Part of who you want. I can bury what I see is causing problems, but there might be other problems.

I will give you all that you want. All that you need. For that is what I need. There is only one thing that I need. Time. Time to think sometimes. Time to absorb our thoughts and the energy or our love. I suspect that will be one of the hardest for you to understand right now. Not time away from you. Never, for I like your presence. Just time of quiet sometimes.

Loved... Endlessly.

Dam breaking

NOTE: This post was originally written on my own blog, and removed. It is followed by "Loved Endlessly." Tom Paine suggested that I place it here. I did, with only minor edits. We also then spent an entire weekend talking.

Dam breaking...
Again and again.

You asked what I would write here if you weren't reading. This post is an example. It's my feelings. Some days I don't feel as if I have anything left. Words and thoughts that should stay in my head. Or at least far away from you. Because in the end they are feelings that will pass and that we will work through.

You said that we aren't making any progress on issues and you used the blog as an example. My need for privacy. Such nonsense. Can I just point out that you didn't abide by the rules that we set in the beginning. It would be your fault then that the issue persists. But I don't look for blame, I try to move forward and solve the problem. Again. And that means talking again. Things change over time. Grumble. You said that you want to get to know each other on a deeper and deeper level. I'm fine with that, but I'm hurt that you said I'm keeping things from you. Hurt that you felt that I had secrets to hide. Look at the damn blog. I rarely even get comments, and I respond to them less. I show you everything. Talk to you about everything. I'm aware of the fact that everytime you walk by my computer you want to know what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, what it's about. I keep nothing from you. Yet when we address hard issues and I want to process them and you don't kept the agreements we made and I'm struggling I'm doing something wrong to ask again. You know, I really appreciated when you said how sad you'd be to not read. Really appreciated you talking about understanding me from a different prism. But we had to talk about it to understand both points of view.

Did it occur that maybe just this point in time was inevitable, and that we're handling it better than anyone but us ever could. I think that we are... Despite it all, our relationship is strong. Incredibly strong. Yes, we're both tired. I don't want you truly wise, God Dammit. I want you for who you are. Mine. And I'll scream that across the neighborhood if you don't get it.

No phrases.
No lazy writing.
No Poetry.
That was nonsense anyway.
Bullshit.
Writing here.
Where I can scream in the dark. Yell. Cry.
Heard. Or not.
But the door is open...
Darkness in my mind.

You are so fucking worried about what others might think I say about you. I don't care about others. I never have. I started this blog thinking that there would be nobody to hear me. There are now. But not the sames ones. Your pain hurts me. But I can't fix it. Only tell you that your are wrong. Call you an idiot or take you in my arms, but you won't listen to me. And I'm left feeling like I do something wrong. Again and again. Every day almost. But I let it go. I won't remember or dwell on it. Won't focus on how I screw up. Won't believe it. I just remember the feeling that it happens again. I know it's not me. Know it doesn't matter and I'm reading it wrong. I'm stronger than that. But I'm not pleasing you.

When I feel like that with you is it so wrong to want the simple pleasure of just pleasing someone sexually... Nothing more.

You got what you want. All the fantasies came true. But the game was harder than you expected. Nothing was the way it seemed. I understand. That's not a problem. But damn it, I didn't. Perhaps I want to much. My desires are more than just a fantasy though. I've grown and I've changed. And I want more too. But I'm the one willing to give it all up. Right the fuck now. Regardless. No more discussion. Nothing. Because it's not right for you or for us. But don't expect it to be easy. I'm giving up something, and it's something I want. You opened Pandora's box, and I'll try to close it again. With at least a broken hinge, but I'll try. But it's not the same. It doesn't fucking fit anymore, and it isn't easy. Don't expect me to say, "Sure. No problem. It's the same as it used to be." There are lots of reasons it's not. So I do everything that I possibly can to tell you what I see as different. How it won't be the same, how I want to change, to make it better for both of us. Safeguards. How I'm giving you peace. And you tell me that I'm giving you ultimatums and threats. What the fuck? Sigh. Something wrong again. Guess I communicated that I'm willing to do what is best for you, best for us so damned well. Oh fuck. Let's try that one again. You don't even have to say a damn word. I spend most of my time thinking about you and I. Us. Unproductive in so many other aspects of my life. And still I screw up. I can't think and I'm so close to just shutting down sometimes. But that's not me.

I'll keep fighting for you. Till I get it right.
Don't mess with the Dragon.
I love you.
Idiot.
Where in the hell, do you think you're going to lose me.
Not bloody likely.
Just about anyone could tell you otherwise...

Yes, I want to fuck him. Yes, he wants me. Does that mean I want you less? No. Not even. Will I get back on this damned fucking rollercoaster if we get off? I might throw up first. I just soooo love the idea of get off now and when you get the rest of your mind together we will jump back on the fuck up train.

Yes, I care about you accepting my sexuality. Shouldn't I? Fuck yes, I should. I've changed a hell of lot over the last two years. I'll go back to where I was... Easy enough. But you were the one that wanted some excitement and change in our live. Exploration, richness, adventure. Whatever the fuck the reasons were. I don't know anymore, because it seems like what I remember is different from what you remember. But you don't want me to go back. You don't seem to want me where I am either. I don't like living in the twilight zone, thank you very much. Did I say anything about being ahead of you sexually. Better? And therefore more accepting of others that are different? Umm no. Fuck no. I said, I've grown and changed. Seems pretty natural consequence of what's happened to me. I love you for who you are... But what do we do? Far as I can tell you don't like this and this and this and this and this... Well, Maam, thank you very much for the ride, but I think I got on the wrong bus and went in the wrong direction for awhile. OK. That's fine with me, but I'm having a bit of trouble suggesting where we should go next. I liked and loved you before. I'M WILLING TO GO BACK TO WHERE WE WERE. But fuck it all. I didn't start this. You did. And you did, because you wanted change.

So excuse me if at some times I have just a little bit of trouble processing the whirlwind, and please Damn it don't accuse me of saying that I don't like who you are or were. Because that isn't never was and never will be the case. OH yeah. Don't transfer your confusion to me that way. Don't make me feel as if it's all my fault and I'm doing something wrong again (not that I even know what anymore). I may be, but that sure as hell isn't it.

I ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. No matter what you want.

I'm pissed because you're feeling threatened about what someone else might be telling me to do. Yet you don't want to know either. Great. Just great. How am I supposed to get around that one. I'll tell you one thing. He won't ever come between us. Won't ever ask for anything that we've agreed upon. Or ask to see me when I can't. He doesn't pressure me in that way, but completely supports us. It's a good thing, and one reason I like him. But what am I supposed to do? I'm in the middle again. So I back away from EVERYTHING. Cause I can't please you no matter what I do, and it's wrong to do anything else because I know you. Know what you need. Then I get accused of threatening you or ultimatums.

But I will give up what I might desire, because in this case it is wrong. For us... At least for quite awhile. I only wish I'd seen it coming before it ever started... Had a crystal ball that could predict the future. Kept Pandora's box closed. I think that trying to go back will be so much harder than growing was. Change wasn't easy to begin with.

Just buy a big damn purple lock...
Memorize the combination after several margaritas.
Burn the paper.
Then go to sleep...
Memories and thoughts locked away...

I'm sorry if you don't like the reality of life right now. I'll kept trying. Anything for us together. But I don't know what you want. Don't know how to please you any more, and that hurts. Everything I say seems wrong. Everything I do seems like it's not quite right either. So I'm going back to where I was. But that's not easy, and you don't want that either. *Turns head to side* Comes back and tries again.

My place.
My writing.
You don't have to like it here.
I'll send this to you before the end of the month.
Before the end of the week, but I'm not sure what day.
I have other plans in mind.
To show you my love...

Grumble.
I give too much.
Of myself some days.
A switch.

Answers still to be found

My story goes on. The answers are still being found. The games and experiments continue. I write in many places- where the mood and the need strikes. Tom and I discussed this blog. We both wonder how many people are interested here. In time, I'm sure that I will know exactly what needs to be said here.

Right now- I'm wondering what those that are reading wonder or are curious about. Are there questions you want to ask?
-Nightstar


Desire and Guilt...

How do you love someone, intensely and with all your soul, and still allow them to see your desire for another person completely? How can you not feel that they will be threatened by the attractiveness to another person? That they will be hurt if the level of intensity, even for the *moment* is not the same. What do you do when they have shown jealousy or fear in the past? How do you balance the emotions and the desire.

It's different when there have nothing in common or I'll never see him again. Another matter entirely when it is someone that I might see again or they are similar in some way that is important. What happens when I react sexually in a way that I've never done before? (Tom mentioned this in some link, but I'm feeling too lazy to go find it right now!)

Sometimes it's just a matter of not relaxing completely when you play as a threesome. It would be easier if he could really show me how much he was turned on when I'm with another man. If he could tell me how much he loves it when I get excited by another, more than a physical sense. I worry about his emotions and his feelings. I think that mentally it holds me back.

He mentioned that he feels guilty when he plays with another woman. Because it doesn't excite me. I'm not turned on by watching him with another woman. It's not my thing. I'm thrilled that he has fun, but I wouldn't know how to let him relax any more.

These are issues we are still exploring.

by Nightstar


Would I recommend this?

Someone that reads my regular blog, approached me wanting to talk about swinging. He's one that has read between the lines or read long enough to know what I talk about sometimes. It made me think.

Do I regret anything, despite how hard it has been at times? No. Our *learning curve* has been very steep and very painful for the two of us. We probably didn't start from the best place. I'm living a richer, fuller life now, and I spend time in thought and reflection that I enjoy. I have been in some very hot sexual scenes and I have images that I will always cherish in my mind. I still think that everything we have done or will done hasn't even come close to the full potential that exists.

Would I recommend it? Not to very many. Be very, very careful. I think it's a choice that is more likely to destroy a couple than make your life richer. I know two couples that it has destroyed. I've met several couples that seem bored with sex. It's not an easy path. If you don't have really strong communication skills- they you are asking for problems. It certainly isn't a solution if you are looking to solve sexual problems or you are bored. It will cause more problems...

by NightStar


The Brick Wall Statement

The Brick Wall Statement. What the hell does that mean? What was it?

"I want to quit, because I feel like you can't handle it."

That went over well. He hated it when I said that. Thought I was behaving in a condescending manner to him. I didn't mean we were never going to play again, but I wasn't sure that it was the right thing to do. We definitely had some talking to do, before anything was decided or anything happened. Every time we did there seemed to be emotional storms, and they seemed to be directed at me. It was so much easier for me, than it was for him. He expected that it should be easy for him to have sex with women at a sex club. Everything else in his life was easy. It wasn't. I think that part were the unrealistic expectations of the scene. Part of it was natural quietness- it wasn't easy for him to approach women and flirt.

Why did I feel this way?

Initially, we started playing under difficult circumstances. (Rough Beginnings) There were subtle problems between us that I felt it wasn't the right time that hadn't been discussed yet. I felt that he needed to me to play with others to feel desire for me. He always claimed that wasn't true, but still I wondered. Once we began, he was incredibly worried about our relationship and jealousy. He thought I was going to do something and not tell him about it. He worried about somebody else pleasing me more. So the first year or so was full of issues about the relationship- from his point of view.

We started with a very specific goal. The very idea of him watching me get fucked by another man turned him on. He wanted that and nothing else. Yet that changed. We had to find balance in our relationship. How would we adjust now that I've had this experience and he hadn't? I knew that it was all about sex, and I loved him- deeply so in the end it didn't matter to me. Yet the confusing path and goals was difficult to adjust to. At times, I felt as if I'd been tricked. I was worried that he would be hurt by other women- in any number of ways. He is my life, and I don't want him hurt. It happened. He didn't like even the simple rejection of not all women wanting to dance with him. He focused on the negative and never saw the positive interactions.

So there were what I started calling, "tantrums," and he called "frustration." Yet it was often directed at me. To me, it was similar and related to the emotional storms that were related to jealousy and fear. He claims they were far more minor and that he would learn to solve this problem. Yet every time he had another one- he laid another layer of "bricks" down in my feelings that this was not the right thing for us to be doing as a couple. "The Brick Wall Statement." A feeling that would take more time to break down.

by NightStar

When trust faltered…

So where did it all really between with us? I am not really sure. Before the actuality there were many discussions. He signed up with an online service for meeting people. It was initially done without my knowledge, but then we discussed it. I did not want a stranger. He wanted this so much that he proposed a friend that he knew I liked. My friend was single and not dating anyone.

So I started to flirt with him. Eventually meeting him in a parking lot late at night. We kissed and my husband wanted to know what was going on between us. Perhaps in time he would have said yes, but initially he said no. What happened to him really doesn't matter. My husband started the roller coaster of jealousy and worry. He wasn't really prepared to wait for me to seduce my friend into a threesome. Which I think was a possibility. He was afraid I might have an affair with him. I didn't. He always knew when I saw him. He didn't understand my friendship with him, and yes it became much deeper… I told him everything.

His trust in me started to falter. One night he was legitimately looking for something on my computer and started to look in my email. He found my emotions and truth to a friend from months before. Things he didn't understand, but that were explained in time. It was the lack of trust that was the hardest. We both had to heal from that as well. To keep minor and small details open to each other. We spent hours talking. Always.

If you can't handle talking for hours and the unexpected roller coaster of getting what you ask for and more… Be careful.

By Nightstar

Intensity and Submission

My first post was called "Rough Beginnings" and la fille mariée said... "It sounds like an agonizing beginning, certainly. Did the feeling of "giving in" add to the experience for you, or take away?" It is where I want to start this post.

For the sake of the story let's call him John. I don't know if it was finally giving in to what I had desired for a long time and knew there were reasons that it was wrong at the time or John but the behavior that night between us set the tone of the relationship for the future. It also eventually led to the end between us. After that night we saw him together as a threesome several times, and it got better each time. I saw him alone a few times as well. For a long time there was nobody else as we worked through the emotions that first night and all that followed. But we couldn't stay away from him.

That first night I went to him- as much as I could. He responded to me, but then he would turn me away and push me back to my husband. He would hold me there in his arms. When you are with the man you love and desire another man sexually there is a lot of internal guilt. What do you do and who to you go to physically? John solved that problem because he instinctly knew that the couple came first and he was going to respect that as much as he could. Or perhaps he was just afraid of ending the night too early to meet his own needs if he didn't!

At the time, I relished the sense of control that he exerted both physically and mentally. I had fought hard, but at this time I was giving up, and I was going to enjoy what we were doing. I fully anticipated that there would be problems afterwards based on the past, but I no longer cared. It was intense. I was submitting, but more I had the sense that he could truly dominate me and take control when he was more comfortable with both of us.

So began the future. John wanted a slut. Someone that he could push the limits on. I loved what he could teach me and the challenges. I initially called him "Master" as a joke. Then he wanted to demand it, but I gave it out of pleasure. My husband wanted to see me with someone else. If he had listened John would have known how to control me. He didn't really, he was selfish and only wanted me to please him. He forgot that I needed pleasure too. As my husband and I solved more problems I found my own strength again.

by NightStar

Rough beginnings!

It started with fantasies told in the bedroom. Eventually the settings became more and more realistic. The stories involving another man became more prevalent and my husband was more aroused by them. I think that I knew before he did that he wanted to make this a reality. That he wanted to watch me fuck another man. That was the beginning. We moved slow, very slow compared to what I know others have done. For years, I fought the idea. I fought for several reasons, but the biggest one was hidden from my husband. Even if this was something we might consider in the future, there were reasons that it was not the right time now. We had other issues regarding our own sexuality that needed to be solved first.

A weekend trip led to a dance with another man and a passionate kiss on the dance floor, but nothing more. Unplanned and unexpected, but it was the beginning. We all burned with desire. I remember his eyes still. It took years before we took another step, but the pressure began. He didn't mean to pressure me, but it existed anyway. Eventually, I decided that when we went out one night, I was going to make every effort to find another man to join us for the night. He would see me with someone else and it could end. It wouldn't matter anymore.

I found someone that night, he was younger than he looked and more forgettable than I'd like to admit. Yet, he started another round of emotional storms. There were no real decisions made, it had only been the spontaneous events of one night. I was fighting again. My husband wasn't sure what he wanted. The roller coaster had begun.

On our vacation, we agreed that we were backing away from everything. That we wouldn't play any games with others except dancing if that came up. It made it safe to go dancing. I didn't have to worry about what might happen. I didn't have to feel as if I was going to fight. Make no mistake, I fought the idea and I fought my own desire. The idea of sex with another man wan immensely attractive. I wanted it, but felt it was wrong.

So, two weeks later we went dancing. I never looked around, but someone was watching me. He saw me for over an hour and a half before he was close enough that I saw him. In the end, he was the one that suggested that all of us go somewhere. In the end, my husband was the one that held a condom in the palm of his hand for me to see that night, and I was the one that looked down and gave up.

We found a hotel, and it was great. He pushed me away from him and toward my husband. We drove home as the sun rose that night. It was really the start of where we are now. We saw him several times, and may yet again. There have been others since as well. The beginning was rough. There were many conversations and a lot of tears. The journey has not been easy, but it is ours. I will tell more of it in time. We are accepting where we are now. I wear a "soul mate" necklace and I will never leave him.

by NightStar