Howling in the Dark

It seems I have always been howling in the dark from the time I was born and my Mother couldn't "handle" my incessant crying and put me in the third floor nursery, alone, to cry myself to sleep. They say that responding to your child's crying teaches them to trust; a lesson that has been borne out in my three children. So I guess my ability to trust was injured from the get go, still she did the best she could. I agree that doing that was much better than doing me some sort of physical harm and I have seen that sometimes babies need to cry a bit to release pent up stimulation...but sometimes I wonder.

I am currently in a polyamorous triad with my husband and lover. We are a "V" configuration with me being the pivot point. The two guys on the surface seem vastly different but upon closer inspection they are surprisingly similar. The main difference is Sigel, my husband, is the driving force in our sexual exploration and Arch, my other life partner, is content to be monogamous for the time being. From the beginning Sigel was the one who craved different sexual experiences. So much so that it nearly destroyed our marriage and lead to him cheating to fill the need. I was over controlling and doled out the "extras" like some women dole out affection to their spouses. I never saw it that way though, I just wanted to be able to control the situation and be sure Sigel never realized that other women were more interesting and attractive than I was. Afterall, if he loved me he shouldn't want other women right? I MUST, therefore, be somehow defective! He tried and tried to tell me how much he loved me but I had trust issues and a deep seated fear of abandonment coupled with the belief that I wasn't worthy of love and respect. To combat these fears I made him a prisoner of my need and blamed him for EVERYTHING. HE was the one who was bad and defective, damnit, HE was the cheat and the liar. HE was the one who had had such a warped childhood that he couldn't grow up and accept that monogamous sex was the ONLY sex a married man should have! Then I would pull a 180 and invite a girlfriend to join us...or a guy friend would make a joke about wanting to have sex with me and I'd say "What the hell, Sigel wants to watch anyhow...."
Mixed signals from me were the worst thing for him because he could see that, inspite of my raging about monogamy, I really had no problem with sharing him or myself with another person. I would instigate an encounter and then blame him for "pushing" me into it. To be fair Sigel did use emotional blackmail and coersion to get his way but for the most part when it did happen I was a willing participant...until the next morning.
I found out he was cheating on me about 4 years into our marriage, I thought it was a one time thing and though I raged and punished him for many many long years over it I did forgive him almost instantly for sleeping with her. My real problem was the lies and the fact that I felt he didn't have to sneak around since I rarely denied him anything he asked for. Sure I tortured myself imagining him in some fantasy hawt porn scene with her but after a few years sanity set in and I realized that what he had told me was the truth...the encounter was brief, and forgettable except that this woman was one who would give him away. He had been cheating all along but this was the first woman he had cheated with that knew me. He figured the jig was up and spiraled into a breakdown which took him years to recover from.
We decided to work on our marriage and for 15 years we did just that. We talked and raged and then talked some more. Gradually we learned how to listen and how to speak to each other. We got to a place where we began to trust each other. It was tumultuous and heartbreaking the things we did to each other.
During this time we discovered the internet and I found a whole new way to cheat: emotional cheating. I could invest precious time, energy and emotion on total strangers who would never even see my face! I could talk about sex and have a hot time without comitting myself physically! With my poor self image this was heaven for me and hell for Sigel who craved my attention like air in his lungs. Suddenly I wasn't demanding his time and suddenly he wanted me to. Now I don't mean to say I sat in cyber chat rooms (tried that and quickly got bored) or trawling the net for porn (We had always had an adequate supply of that offline)no what I did was I played MMORPGs. I will not stoop to demonising MMOs mainly because they saved my life, through the interactions online I was able to work through my issues with people totally noninvested in the eventual outcome. I could be social in a way that was catharctic for me, besides I met our life partner in an online game. Sigel also used the MMO to finally escape from his demons, an addiction that was easily broken and caused no physical harm, unlike smoking (that was a bitch of a habit to break). I played up to 18 hours a day though I was not like the evil stereotypical stay at home mom. I schooled my girls, giving them their lessons and refusing to hunt in a group while they were studying because they would need my help and I insisted on pausing the game or logging out to help them. I skimped on housework but my house was never filthy, Sigel wouldn't have tolerated that for long anyhow. I cooked meals when I figured Sigel had earned the right to have a home cooked meal, it was unconscious but I recognize the subtle passive aggression for what it was. I talked to my pledge, clan or guild for all hours of the night...literally, I would stay up sometimes 3 days straight if I was working on some achievement. All the while Sigel mostly patiently allowed me the space to work out whatever was causing this disconnect, besides I seemed happy. I would take time off to drive to my Mom's farm to work with my horses but if I was at home then I was online. I was as addicted to the MMO as Sigel was to the conquest of a woman.

During this time I met Archanas, a sweet young man who was a sort of kindred spirit. This was after a very messy drama with another player and I needed a friend, desperately. I had always had Sigel as that friend but this time he had been the cause of the drama. Sigel was hurt by my lack of interest in him and he lashed out at the other player, basically saying that if he liked me so much then why not fuck me? The situation swiftly got ugly and I was devastated. Archanas showed up looking for a friend and he patiently listened to me cry. After hearing the whole story Arch flat out told Sigel not to make that offer with him as he wasn't interested in a married woman. Arch was young and idealistic...and a virgin. I fought Sigel off and struck up an intense friendship with Arch. He needed someone to hear his pain and I needed the same, for hours at a time we played the game and talked. We ran clans together and then a guild. The more Arch stuck around the more Sigel relaxed. Arch was comitted to never being the cause of our divorce and in a strange twist he became one of the reasons we are still married! We ended up on WOW running a guild, the three of us! We went from a position that Sigel and I can't game together to running a fairly successful guild, with Arch's help. After three years Arch learned that Sigel and I had a nominally open marriage and perversely was angry that I had never told him! We began talking and he revealed he was interested in me...Sigel heard about it and invited him to visit. He agreed and soon we were planning a visit!

The visit was amazing but instead of a casual sexual encounter we realized that we had loved each other for years. Sigel was amazed at how "right" it felt to have him there though he was not happy that he didn't get the threesome he was wanting...that came much later. It wasn't an easy transition from reluctant openness to full joyous openness but looking back it was all worth it.

We are now the proud parents of a beautiful son. We are working on getting us all together under one roof and all the problems that weill accompany that arrangement. It hasn't been an easy road to this location but in the end it has lead Sigel and I full circle.

A Perverse Turn in a relationship

I hung up the phone and laughed! The irony of the call and the help that was wanted was so unbelievable. A lover called and wanted suggestions for his girlfriend's birthday party. One, I might add, I am not invited to attend. As it turns out he liked some of my suggestions and hated others. We truly have different tastes in music but have some artists in common.

It has been a strange two years. We have apparently gone from friends to distant lovers to friends with benefits when we can be together. His girlfriend is much closer in distance than I am. She does, however, live too close to his family for my taste. I can foresee some big trouble down the road if the kids find out and blame this woman for the divorce that is on the horizon. They drive by her house every day. She is not the reason for the marriage being in troubled, but angry kids are not logical. This marriage has had issues for a long time and now even the psychologists working with them are advising divorce. There is family support but it may erode if his friendships with other women become known. I have urged caution and discretion but that has never fallen on appreciative ears.

But it was the first time I had been asked to help plan a birthday party for a lover's new girl friend. I am actually happy for them both but that is my poly mindset talking. In sharing with a friend the irony of the conversation he commented, " For a guy who has been wanting to simplify and gain more peace in his life. He certainly is heading in the opposite direction. " The friend has been divorced twice and knows a bit about angry ex-wives and children. He sees some of the same issues I do in the situation and passed on some advice for me to pull out of my hat in future calls.

I just find it amusing that lover came up with $1000 for an entertainer for this party but could not come up with less for a plane ticket for me a few months ago. Of course, he does not expect me to remember or connect these dots for he has already forgotten. There in lies his downfall, since the women in his life have long memories and he has a very short one. He can't keep his lies and story straight most of the time. If you are going to balance three women you had better remember what you have shared with each one before they do. I have caught him revising history 3 times this week. I had to steer him straight before he said the wrong story to his wife. Yes, I am trying to help him preserve a relationship with her, regardless, since like or not they are tied for the rest of their lives by the kids. I cannot keep up with what he has told his girlfriend.

In reading about poly life I never dreamed of a call like this one. However, If I can play so can he. I just have to keep smiling and hoping that he gets through this crazy time despite the turns it takes.

E.B.B.

You asked

You asked me what I missed...
And my gut reaction was "Anything that I say, can and will be used against me."
Tension. Before I even think of the answer. I'm worried about you feeling threatened. Worried about you saying, "but I can do that" or distressed because you don't feel as if you can.

You like to hike. To the end of the road. Let's just see what's beyond the next corner or the next hill. A desire to keep going, a desire to know. It's there.

I miss dancing, being sexy, being watched. Knowing that we can cross the limits that others set. Knowing that if someone has the confidence to approach- there are many, many different levels at which I can respond.

I love the wildness of picking someone up from a bar/club and seeing where it would go. Lack of rules.

I love the interaction with someone completely unknown. Not knowing what they will do or how sex will go. Not knowing what they will want.

I love interacting with sexually alive, open and willing people. People that are no afraid of their passions, who are willing to explore or have different perspectives.

I love the threesomes that we've had. The great sex with you there. The great sex when you aren't there (rare though it was..)

What I think that you really want to know is why I want sex with one person… I'm completely relaxed with my sexuality. I'm willing to explore, learn and gamble. I'm willing to accept what works and look for more of what works really well. I like the gamble. The excitement. The mix of unknown, fear, submission, power/control, games give/take. The ability to trust an individual and see where it goes.

I enjoy sex, and enjoy that I can relax and it can just be different. I enjoy the uniqueness of a given individual and how their mind works, how their body works. I like that I fit at some level with some individuals and there is no emotional issues. I like being intrigued by different people's thoughts and want to see what their reality looks like.

I want to be worn out and challenged when there aren't emotional issues involved. I want to feel someone challenge me from their perspective of my limits against their own. I want to relax into the knowledge of someone that knows more than I do. I miss finding more depths of my own sexuality from different experiences.

I want the colors of living life fully alive. Not merely muted or pastels. I want to take the risks.. Is there a cost to pay for pleasure? Perhaps. Perhaps we have already paid it, but I am still yours. Always.

I miss how high I am sexually when I come back to you.

Broken, Marked or not . You are mine!

He kissed her at the back door as she returned home. " How was your night?"

" It was ok! Yesterday's adventures were better than this morning. Could you please help me up the stairs? " she said feeling pain soaring up her leg.

He looked down and saw her foot was swollen about double its usual size. She was limping; but in his excitement that she had come home he had failed to notice. He knew she had taken the day off to spend time with some other men. This included a man who was mentoring her in some Eastern love making techniques. His emotions had been running hot and cold for the last 24 hours. The thought of other men touching her and claiming his pussy was sometimes too much for him. At other times he found it arousing and exciting. He had no idea how he was going to greet her until she came home. When he saw her he only wanted to kiss her and take her upstairs to fuck her himself. He may lend her to others but she was his.

Now, he was very concerned. She was not supposed to get hurt and the look on her face showed she was in a lot of pain. He helped her to the bedroom and went to get some ice and wraps for her leg and foot. He recalled a sex blog post that her friend LFM had written on being " Marked " or having lovers leave a mark. He smiled. " She came home this time with a big mark" he thought.

He came back to the room and started to massage her leg and ice it down. She looked so sexy with her bra less breasts underneath the black scoop tee that showed her cleavage so well. Her shorts let him peak to her pussy where a thong barely covered her. He would have her later , her pain was too great now.

He looked at her and teased . " Your boyfriends are going to have to stop playing so rough. It is one thing to leave a mark, it is another for him to try and claim the whole leg and foot! " he said laughing.

She laughed and said " You should have never read LFM's post. Now, I will never live this mark down for the rest of our marriage. I can tell you are not going to let me forget this morning ".

" No my darling , I am not ". But you have no idea how happy I am that you returned to me. Broken, marked, or not, you are mine! "

Yes, they both knew their marriage would survive her infidelity and that whatever had taken place with others would not come between them. He was not sure until he saw her at the back door. She never had a doubt but wondered how he would take her injury.

He let the ice do its healing. He laid down next to her on the bed removing her shirt and sucking the breasts she had shared with others. Her hands were on his head and she was kissing him gently. Their lips met and soon he was inside of her being very careful not upset the ice that surrounding her bandaged ankle. Her marriage reunion was now complete. But her lover's mark which occurred on his stairs would take weeks to heal. To this day the ankle occasionally reminds her of his mark and she smiles recalling the adventures of the day with him and the others she played on her erotic day off.

Posted by E.B.B.


It is all about you!

Yesterday, I learned the truth.

It is all about you.

Today, I further concluded that I am only your unpaid whore. We had an affair that has lasted 2 years and included my pussy and my brain at your beck and call.

Part of having an affair with another married person is that you have to accept the limitations of the game. Holidays and personal special days do require some creative present giving so as not to offend or alert the significant others. Separation on special days is part of the game. But when one partner works around the limitations to the others pleasure there is a reciprocity expectation. Or so I thought. However, I thought wrong.

Considering the desperate phone calls I have taken in the middle the night. The nights I have held you as your real world collapsed. How I helped you revive your business. The sacrifices I made and the gifts that I have given over the past two years. Apparently, it was too much to expect you to show me some attention yesterday.

I am guilty. I had a selfish thought. You knew this day was coming. You made promises months ago about this day. You set up expectations. You loved all the special surprises I gave you on your day. You promised that my day would be a special treat.

However, the day came and went in silence. No presents, no phone calls, no text messages, no ecards, or real cards. At least none were received from you. Some other men in my life did remember. They made me feel special and will be rewarded for their attention. But they had not been the focus of two years of my attention and concern. I do not fuck them except when I feel like it and you were always given priority.

Today, as I stare at my cell phone I am angry, hurt and yet puzzled? The text message from you. " I'm horny Let's fuck" and a date, time, place a week from now. You expect me to say yes and be there with my legs spread and my pussy wet. You know I will make an excuse to hubby to shop and stay overnight in that distant town. You did not apologize or in any way refer to the day you missed. So here is my answer. " No, I will not be there to fuck you. Your horniness is no longer my concern."

A tear drops as I hit the enter button. But I know it is for the best. Time to suck it up. The tough part about the choice to end our affair is I cannot cry about it to friends or get the support of family. To the outside world nothing can change but inside the emotions swirl. For at least a little while today I can pretend that the affair was really all about me and my desires. I can tell myself that I enjoyed all the orgasms and the sexual trysts we pulled off behind our spouses back. All the while knowing in my heart it really has been about you and my allowing you to use me.

Good bye.


E.B.B.


Forgiveness

It is amazing how often during our own infidelity we refuse to forgive others for what we are guilty of ourselves.

During the afterglow of sex in the arms of my lover, I listened to his pain and concern on the state of his marriage. I am his mistress, best friend, lover, adviser, and silent business partner. He tells me all of the stuff he dares not say to his wife, kids, in laws and others.

So, while holding me in his arms and fondling my breasts, he begins to rant.He tells me that him and his wife have never been on the same page during their entire marriage. The kicker began when his said, " Her having an affair and cheating on me during the first year proves it." He went on to talk about how her cheating during that time is still a source of pain and anger. How it makes her statements in counseling are hypocritical etc. She is the one always holding the grudge. Never, forgiving me for my cheating etc.

It was one of those moments when all you could do was take a deep breath, reflect that at the moment you had his cum flowing out of you and on to him as your bodies were still intertwined, and smile. I reached for his balls and gently fondled and squeezed , raising my face to kiss him.

I lovingly advised, " Love, it is time to release your pain and truly forgive her for that first year affair." I was by now stroking him. His cock was aroused and would soon be ready to fuck again.

" I don't think I ever can" was his reply. It was a painfully truthful answer. " I am tired of being the bad guy, of not having an intimate loving marriage,and living with someone I don't like for the sake of my children."

We were by now fucking doggy style. His fat cock rubbing my g spot into an orgasmic tizzy. My head is in the pillow. My ass in the air as he fucked me senseless into an orgasmic bliss. He was pounding my cunt as he ranted, whined, and moaned about twenty years of hell.

In my orgasmic state, my kegels grabbed and squeezed his cock harder and harder with each thrust. Suddenly I hear, "Damn, you are so good."

As he lays down beside me. We move into 6/9. He begins to drink the juices of our lovemaking. He makes another comment and I gently say, "So, are you ready now to forgive and release the pain so you can love her?" " You are choosing to remain with her why not make it more pleasant?"

I realized I wasted my breath as he was lost in his delight of my pussy. We continued to play and it was evident that his pain from time to time still crossed his mind. There were events and reasons for this happening beyond my control. He obviously just needed me to listen for my words fell on deaf ears.

In the journey beyond monogamy forgiveness is an essential ingredient. We have to give forgiveness to others when they explore outside our relationship in order for them to reciprocate. If either party in the relationship holds onto the pain and chooses not to forgive and release it; a festering wound develops. My lover cannot see his hypocrisy in failing to forgive his wife for a sexual fling decades ago while having an affair currently. He has nurtured his wound and it now blinds him to the reality of his current situation. He describes life as a catch 22. He fails to see that forgiveness is the key to his future happiness.

He is right. His wife does hold grudges and does not forgive easily. She will never forgive the infidelity he committed she knows about. He embarrassed her as far as she is concerned with her family and community. She has made her lack of forgiveness clear to anyone that will listen. I got an earful at a national retreat when her friends used her and her family as an example of a couple that needs to separate. When I put two and two together after the example was given. I just smiled. I could not participate in the discussion for it was too close personally and no one expected me to have any knowledge of the couple. I discovered in listening that others have observed what I know to be true.

I am not in an NSA relationship with this man. It would be easier if it was but I care deeply for him. His lack of forgiveness for his wife makes me uneasy at times. For in all relationships illicit or legal there are times when someone gets hurt, or is unfaithful, or angry over something that occurs. Forgiveness is the key for all relationships. You cannot force someone to forgive. You can only hope and pray that they will choose to do so.

So if you are thinking of journeying to the other side of monogamy make sure you are prepared to forgive others for there will be much to forgive along the way. If you are a couple considering opening your marriage have some candid discussions. Be honest, it is not a time to clam up and not say how you really feel about seeing or knowing your partner sexual adventures with others. If you choose to cheat on your spouse do not assume that you are the only one cheating. You may later be surprised so you must be prepared to forgive as well. Life beyond monogamy is an adventure that requires frequent checks of ones emotions, desires, and expectations. Enjoy the ride but pack some forgiveness along to share.

E.B.B.

Scared

Bad sex is tough enough when it occurs in a NSA situation on a one night stand. But when you live with the person and must wake with them morning after morning it can become unbearable.

It took over two years of therapy before the dynamite keg was truly discussed. The elephant in the room was finally acknowledged. They yelled and screamed at each other leaving the therapist speechless. Through the noise it was clear that both were emotionally lonely and that intimacy was lacking. Sex was a marriage duty that occurred rarely and for both was something to be endured not enjoyed.

She blamed his job and time away from home. He blamed her health and her hygienic situation. She went ballistic over the hygiene issue and blamed his infidelity earlier in their marriage. Whenever, she got backed into a corner or was asked to make changes in her behavior she always brought the circumstances of their separation a few years ago up. He is an unfaithful cheater and she is a candidate for sainthood. Her unfaithfulness very early in her marriage to this man was not on the table in her mind for discussion.

The truth is she finds sex painful and always has found it emotionally difficult. She has never had sex without crying. She will tell her partners it is tears of joy but really she is trying to mask the pain of spasms she cannot describe that make penetration painful despite the lack of muscle tone in the vaginal area.

Her enormous body felt as sexy as a tent awning. Her body image filed bankruptcy years ago. It was not just sex that was painful, walking could make her wince and waddle. She could not exercise to lose weight without extreme pain. Not losing weight created its own problems in health, body image, and sex. But in the therapist office she was in denial. Her mantra was her husband was not meeting her needs and not spending time with her. She would change nothing but expected him to be ordered to service her. Her bitterness at her prior husbands unfaithfulness and her lack of forgiveness of his sin had nothing to do with her attitude with the current one.

He had long since fallen out of love with his wife. He tolerated her as the mother of his children. Her sarcasm and judgmental attitude had long since drained any love for her except as a co parent. Their intimacy problems were wrecking the family and he knew it. The kids were in the cross fire and acting out. His wife and him had no teamwork and would betray each other by allowing the kids to divide and conquer on rules, privileges, and punishments when the other was not around. He had dropped looking at porn but needed something to fantasize about to get an erection when he was expected to have sex with his wife. Making love to her was like fucking a land flubbing walrus. Legs spread and no reciprocal affection or motion could be expected. He was expected to do all the work. It bothered him that in the morning when his boner did rise on its own she was not open to even masturbating him , or allowing him to fuck her at that time. She hated oral and rarely maybe once a decade would offer such affection.

The session was a disaster. They left hurt and angry with each other. She went home to cry and take a sedative to make her sleep. He went to work and fumed. He was horny and knew that his needs meant nothing to her.

Several clients later he realizes it is late and his driving is getting erratic. He pulls into a truck stop motel to sleep. There is a bar and he decides to get a drink. He soon finds himself flirting with a woman at the bar. She is not nearly as big as his wife but she is still a BBW but what a rack. She is giving him a great view and before long his hands are roaming beneath her skirt. She directs his hand to her pussy and offers to play with his cock. Before long they are naked in his room. She is all play and he marvels what a pleasure to have sex with someone who does not look in pain or crying with every touch. He cums with an orgasm that rocks his balls hard and sends him to a place he had not been for a very long time. She smiles for it was great sex for her too, cleans up and with a kiss she is gone. He sleeps soundly in a white sleep that is deeper than any he has had for a long time.

It disturbs his wife when she wakes and realizes he is not home. She knows they last spoke in anger and starts to cry as the emotional loneliness overtakes her. She knows she has got to take action but feels powerless. The therapist in their couples therapy and her own provider have not been effective in helping her improve herself or her marriage. She loves him but knows she is losing him. What she does not understand is she has lost him in so many ways more than just sexually.

He comes home and decides that he would be better off plunging into work. So his days become longer and on the nights he does not come home he is looking for NSA.

One day he notices a book by a talk show host by the bed. Worse, he gets an email from his wife totally out of character for her. She was not into writing I love you emails and how wonderful you are to me stuff. She did not do it in their good times and he choked as he read it now. The irony was that he got the email after she had just bit his head off for not being available to assist with a pickup of a child due to a business trip. He calls a friend who has tried to help him cope with his marriage. He reads the email and she tells him the book the passage with a few changes came out of.

"How did you know she was reading that book?" he asked.

"Did I tell you?"

"No, but I am familiar with the exercises and the book"

" You wife is doing her homework trying to flame your desire for her by being nice to you." his friend adds.

" You mean she is doing the marriage self help homework?"

" Yes, she is "

" She needs to back it up with action and not just words" " She has done this before and never gets to making any real changes. " " She just writes and says stuff that it is obvious she does not mean". says the distraught husband.

A few weeks later , the phones rings. " You will not believe what she is reading now?" " She ordered a book on Sex by a Christian author ". I found it by the bed.

" Please tell me she is not going to want me to do more for her than I do already."

" I really hate sex with her" he complained followed by a tidbit. " Sex on the road is now happening more and more."

" I really like some of the women I have fucked. The truck motel is getting to be my favorite lucky spot."

" You are getting too lucky for your own good. " You wife is planning to winning you back". says his friend.

" She does not know I am cheating" says the delusional husband.

" That is what you think, and for now she will deny it to herself. But on some level she knows and she is not the fool you take her for at times. " says the friend.

" How do you know her so well?" " You two have only met for a moment a long time ago". says the husband.

" She is more like the woman I was than I want to admit. She is no different than many I know . " " The question is whether she is going to do the homework in a certain chapter of that sex book and whether you are ready for it? "

" How do you know that book so well?"

" I read it and it blew husband's mind when I did the homework I just mentioned."

" Well you could do that homework with me? I will let you practice on me anytime" says the husband who loves to fuck his friend in his dreams but she has never allowed such intimacy.

" Sorry, I am not your wife, but yours is about to unleash a force of marital sexual energy if she buys in to some of the lessons of that chapter. "

" That is scary. This whole Christian sex book business is scary. I don't want her and she just needs to leave me alone." " I cannot have sex with her anymore"

" Excuse me, but you have a ten year plan to stay married to this woman and raise children with her. " " Unless you have picked up an STD you will be having sex with her if you know what is good for you" " If not, kiss you business and kids good bye if she finds a good divorce lawyer." the friend counters.

" She would never...." says the friend getting more scared by the minute.

" Oh, please, after her reaction to your non STD rash do you think if you give her an STD from cheating she is not going to rake you through court? "

" That is why I am not going to have sex with her anymore?" " I don't have an STD but I cannot pass her anything if we are not having sex."

The phone rings in the middle of the night. She is on a business trip in another time zone. His friends answers through the fog of her own dreams.

" Damn, she grabbed my dick for a BJ at 4 am this morning and then wanted sex in the shower". " She has never desired my morning wood before."

" Did she taste the blond from your midnight quickie? "

" Damn, How did you know about that? " " Do you have a cam following me around? "

She smiled he is so blissfully ignorant about the sex blogs on and off the dating sites. She had read earlier a post on a blog of an acquaintance about a mercy fuck. It did not take long to figure out who it was. The post had some very descriptive clues. Brain surgery was not required knowing the blogger's close proximity to her friend's hang outs when he is on the prowl. It did not hurt she was blogging about some of the same locations and places he was calling her from and describing to her over the past few weeks. She had gotten an email from the blond blogger confirming her suspicions a couple of hours ago. She had laid down trying to figure out how to reply to that email that read like an erotic story on AFF. His phone call woke her up.

She said to her friend quietly, " You don't want to know all my secrets". " How was the BJ? " " Did you take my advice on positioning her for the shower sex?"

" I am scared she really liked sex in the shower and said she will be getting up with my hard on more often". " I don't want her " " This is a nightmare"

" If she is happier and less sarcastic because you had sex it will be worth it." " If you two have more intimacy and teamwork in bed it will carry forward to how you manage the kids."

" I have not seen that improvement yet"

" In time , she can't implement both books simultaneously all the time. It takes time to change sexual habits, appetites and start to give more than receive. " " You are going to have to share that scared boner of yours with her every time she desires it. " " My advice is to clean it well and make sure no trace of another female can be found on you even in your private parts. "

" How am I going to do that? She already found blond hair in my ball area this morning? I told her it was from the lady that did the laundry last week when the washer broke." " I can't do this. She cannot spark me to desire her again."
"Damn, just the thought of her wanting more sex more often makes even my boner scared" But he is aroused just talking about the blond from the previous night hair in his private parts. " He plays with himself as the conversation continues.

" Good, think of her but fuck you wife." " Scared or not you have two good reasons to try to get the feeling back with her and if it takes some mental crutches in the mean time go for it. But stop cheating for a while and give her a chance. "

Click, The cell phone connection died. Network busy... Her guess the network was not the only busy thing on his end of the phone. As she laid back down she could see him jacking off in her dreams. He may be scared of his wife's sexual expectations but he was not stupid. He loved his children and lost them during their last separation. He vowed he would never leave again until they were grown. His friend knew and understood.

He smiled as he jacked off in his vehicle. He knew his friend was right about trying to work things out with his wife.."Now, isn't there a quote about love overcoming fear?" he thought as he started to drive again. If so, it would be her concern overcoming his fear of his wife's love and passion when his own was long since gone...

She went to sleep knowing she must slip out of his life for him to be more intimate emotionally with his wife. But she would save that discussion for later. He was truly scared enough at the moment. She needed to help him be receptive to his wife's attentions. She would let him go soon enough..her days in this emotionally polygamous-like on one side but emotional cheating on another relationship were numbered. Her husband knew all but his wife was not informed. The wife was jealous of any women in his life, including his sister, except their children. The friend was afraid he would find life without her too scary at this moment.. If she shared that she was letting go of him and their intimate relationship as well. She knew for him to bond with his wife it would be necessary. She sighed as she drifted off to sleep.

by E.B.B.




Something worth reading

A great post about non-monogamous relationships.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Relationships


A Promise Kept

The promise had been made many months ago during a cyber session on a weekend that he was working; when not wanking in the office. If she had any doubts that she would one day keep the promise. His tongue play in her mouth the day they met for lunch sealed the deal. Too bad, he had a client appointment after lunch that day or she would have broken all her rules and steamed the van's windows up with him in the back seat. He touched her breast reaching through her low cleavage top as they kissed and she could feel her wetness. The sexual energy between them demanded its resolution. His hard cock pressed her against the door and the passion of their embrace was unmistable. It was very risky and very public.

Now, several months later she was driving north on the expressway. She could not think how surreal this moment was for her. She was, after all, a conservative, church choir singing Mom who a year or so ago would never be caught looking at another man let alone be ready for sex all weekend with one. So much had changed since her husband had suggested an affair. Of course, he had a one night stand NSA in mind. But that was not her style. This man had fucked her mind with intellectual conversation from sex, politics, legal stuff, to sports. They had much in common. They could talk and tease each other for hours. The loved their spouses but desired more in many ways than either spouse could give or share.

She knew from a prior email that his wife was out of town. He had season tickets and their favorite team was playing in town. He, however, had court papers by the truckload that had to be filed by midnight Saturday. He had invited her to the game. He had made arrangements to check with her Sat. morning after he worked all Friday night to complete the legal paperwork on his desk. If it did not get done. She would not need to drive and meet him for the game. Her husband and kids were busy out of town for the weekend. This weekend was hers and could be used however she wanted.

She had other ideas; but agreed to check in Saturday morning. She made a late appointment with his objecting Secretary for Friday night. " He really does not do trust work let me refer you to someone else." the secretary said in as protective a tone as she could muster. " Trust me this is one trust fund he wants control of and to see that it is set up right. If after the consult he wants to refer me I will agree but he must see me Friday night. " She made the appointment and it was not under a name he would expect. The secretary made it clear she would not be around for her arrival and hoped she would be comfortable being alone in the office with her boss. She had no idea how comfortable things were going to get..

Now, driving with her honey dipper wand between her legs and her panties pushed aside to allow it to plunge in and out of her vagina . She thanked God for cruise control. She had several orgasms as she drove. She had black lace panties, and black shelf spaghetti strap bra that folded down for total exposure easily, another clingy yet more modest top over it and a black skirt with thigh high fish nets. She would walk in with her briefcase and look very professional, with the exception of the sexy thigh highs. Her panties were wet as he had desired and she was very aroused and her nipples visable under her top. She walked into the office and another attorney greeted her on his way out. With a smile on his face he told her that GP's office was at the end of the hall. He was the managing partner of a large law firm. She always smiled when she read about his high profile cases in the paper. In her eyes, even when he lost a round he still won. He usually had more than one plan for his clients and the rulings can't go your way all the time. She usually went for guy's with hair but this guy's bald head was soon going to be making her moan between her legs and she could not wait.

He was on the phone as he looked up and saw her standing their watching him. He could hardly concentrate as he looked at his schedule. He tried to get the caller off the phone. She closed the door behind her. No one could see in the office. The last attorney had left and they were in fact all alone.

He looked at his desk and remembered the promise. His cock had already started to rise and she was not even on his side of the desk yet. He hung up and said I don't believe you had a appointment and I have a client due any minute. "I know" she said , "I am the client". She walked around his desk and sat on it in front of him , her skirt up and her bare pussy looking him in the face. She hand him her wet panties. While he was smelling them she removed her outer shirt. Bending over to let him view her cleavage she kissed him passionationatly. His hands made quick work of her bra straps and soon she was exposed and his face was buried in her breasts. As he nibbled on her breasts his hands were fingering her clit and fucking her g spot. He laid her back on the desk and put her legs up on his chair and moved his face to her pussy. His tongue found his home. He was flicking her clit and fucking her with his fingers. He was as good as he had promised. Even better than she really expected. She was soon lost in the sensations that were rising and flowing throughout her body. Soon he had her shaking and squirting cum all over him. He was glad he kept a change of clothes at work. He could not believe she keep her promise on this of all nights. There was a major issue that he needed some fresh ideas to resolve and he was horny and now had someone to take care of both.

He got up and she popped up off the desk and unzipped his pants. Out of her brief case came the lube and she stroked him with her special touch. He sat down and let her claim his cock, balls and other areas for her pleasure while the waves of o's over took him. She opened his sexual chakra and got a release that blew his mind. She placed her favorite flavored condom on his cock and prepared him for what she had in mind next with some mouth action. She lubed him up again. She then sat on his lap for reverse cow girl and road him hard till they both came together. She got up and pulled the condom off of him and cleaned him up. She wiped her self and put her top back on. She was back together looking acceptable again to the outside world. During the ride she gave him the great inspiration he was looking for to solve his clients issue.

The phone rang and he took the call while she finished the clean up. Papers were scattered on the floor by now and she was arranging them . Bending over just so he got a good look of her privates while discussing something with another client on some paperwork to be filed that night. Before she left she walked back behind his desk. Kissed him on the forehead as he hung up with the client.

"Here is my room key at the sexy B and B. Your incentive to finish this paperwork quickly is that this was just an appetiser. My panties are yours to keep to remind you of what is to cum. This is the beginning of the promises I made to you that I plan to keep if you join me later. " For a moment his mind went blank. "More promises?" he thought and said to her. " Let's just say that I selected this room for its water facilities and their pleasurable possibilities and you will remember the next promise. PS. I am expecting you to keep your promise to me at the game tomorrow night." "So don't procratinate thinking you will have time or energy for your work on Saturday. I don't care how late you are tonight but a no show will have some consequences in the morning that you may or may not enjoy." His memory then recalled the crop and handcuffs she got for Christmas from another lover. She wouldn't use them on me..Then again she was a strong woman full capable of being a dominatrix even though she loves to please. He looked again at his work with incentive to complete it quickly. She kissed him again and said good bye for now. Blowing a kiss and flicking her skirt up on last time as the door closed behind her.

Reviewing his desk he saw her notes that she had quickly posted on post it notes on top on some of them as she put his desk back together. She had a great legal mind and should have gone to law school. She was the first woman he had ever been intimate with that was such an expert on fucking him mind, body and spirit. She never desired just a part of a man but she made love to all of him. She was not the most beautiful woman in his life but she was warm, caring, creative, pleasant looking, sensual, and had a sexual energy that was intoxicating. He wished he could hire her. For her few minutes of work was going to save him a lot of time. But her realized that he would be fucking her more than working and that as the boss was not going to be good for the firm. He knew with her security clearance she would never say a word to anyone about what she just saw in the papers on his desk. She understood client privacy and practiced it in her job daily. He got online and started filing those papers. He sure appreciated her incentive plan. He wished more clients were as generous with incentives as she demonstrated tonight. Some day they would get to arranging the trust funds she wanted. But it would take a few more appointments to finish the details. He toyed with the panties she let behind.

What promise was next? In his mind, he was reviewing months of chats, talks and cyber sex. Then it occured to him " The Shower". "She was amazing woman to remember many of my desires and now I will need to make hers come true at the ball game tommorow." " It will truly be an orgasmic weekend for both of us. mmmmm promises can be so sweet and satisfying..as much as she satified me with her actions tonight. I only want her more.." he thought as he stared at the computer and tried to concentrate he cock throbbing in his pants and his mind at the B and B imagining the delights to come.

posted by-E.B.B.

Unicorn Sighting

Unicorn

(From the Merriam Webster Dictionary Online)

Pronunciation: \ˈyü-nə-ˌkȯrn\ noun. Etymology: Middle English unicorne, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin unicornis, from Latin, having one horn, from uni- + cornu horn. Date: 13th century. Definitions: 1. a mythical animal generally depicted with the body and head of a horse, the hind legs of a stag, the tail of a lion, and a single horn in the middle of the forehead. 2. (slang; also mythical) a single, usually bisexual woman willing to have sex with a married couple.

I’m going to fuck you while she watches.

Our girlfriend.

Not mine. I don't want my own girlfriend.

Not yours. We did that lesbian thing BITD.

Ours.

She has the peaches and cream skin and large, shapely tits I crave. She’s smart, been around the block and is fascinated with you, so a good fit. No bimbette fucktoy, yet a fucktoy for us. I think she’d like that sobriquet.

And tonight we’re going to fuck her. Both of us. We'll meet for drinks and flirting, with perhaps some brazen kissing or even fingering in a dark bar, then go back to her place for another threesome. She’s eager to be possessed and we’re going to fuck her together. Slowly undressing her like last time, peeling off each bit of clothing, you know exactly what to do, she and I both will be following your lead.

It wouldn't be fun without you there and playing.

You and I have abstained from making love for days, letting the passion build up, until now I can barely keep my hands off you. This morning you sucked my cock and I fingered your pussy and gently bit your nipples, but you and I won't get off until the three of us are naked together. I catch myself all day reaching to uncover your tattoo, to run my hand along its thorns and curves, to lick it like I’d wipe it clean with the rough edges of my tongue. As you walk by with your slutty smirking mouth that has sucked cocks and pussies, I long to crush one of your breasts beneath my hand, or plunge my tongue into your sweet-tasting cunt, but I don't.

She agrees it tastes sweet. She told me so after that first night the three of us spent fucking. Tonight I’ll watch as she explores you again with her eager mouth, pulling off your panties so we both can see your landing strip hiding that delicious cunt. Have you shown her yet how you like to have a tongue gently run along the ridges of your outer lips?

Her mouth on your cunt will be inflamed and swollen from kissing me by then, her creamy skin flushes from the friction with my rough face. A lifetime of shaving tricks still can’t subdue the stubble that speaks of enough testosterone to fuck you both. I likely will play with myself as she goes down on you, knowing you’ll be watching - it’s your favorite thing a man can do, other than fuck you.

When she’s done, it will be my turn to bring you to climax:

Wasting no time, I lube up my cock and slip it into the wetness leftover from her delicious mouth. As I push slowly in, the slide slowly out, I’ll rub my hands along your body, then hers. I’m perched above you like a porn flick cameraman watching your head twist from side-to-side as the passion grows. Your aureoles are erect, hardening into small, brown islands of roughness surrounded by your gorgeous tits. She’s watching us make love; let her see how deeply we love, how achingly intimate our sex with one another is, this will be truly making love, and she likely knows her special place in our allowing her let her see this intimacy. Let her suck my cock, tongue your clit, feel me explode inside both of you, but this is our gift to her - and to ourselves, an exhibitionism sweeter than anything.

Sleep came fitfully last night as I longed to feel your naked body, knowing that our abstaining will heighten the climax we'll feel. With the three of us naked, I can twist your nipples as you begin to breath so shallowly I think you might pass out. Hiccups of pleasure, cries of “Oh, yes, oh, God” as you come again and again. How counter-intuitive it seems that on the night before meeting our girlfriend again, I was fighting for sleep, longing to fuck you.

Now it’s your turn to watch.

Grabbing her hair as she goes down on me, I push my cock up deeper into her mouth. She wants to swallow my cum, but she’ll have to wait for another time, I have a different end in mind. The first time we fucked her, it was you who quarterbacked the finale. Thrusting into her spasming cunt, I feel once again your mouth on my cock that first night: I was kissing her while she masturbated, and you were giving me your usual great head. Feeling you slide a condom on, then guide me into her delicious cunt made me harder than I had been all night. As I pushed into her tight pussy, I felt you running your hands across my ass, pushing me in, guiding me as my pelvis rose and fell in rhythmic strokes until she and I both orgasmed together.

Her mouth is skillful; like you she lacks inhibition in bed, but I intend to come in her again, so I push her down onto the bed, kissing her hard on that mouth of hers that like yours has no shame or reserve, fingering her cunt wet with your saliva and the secretions of her arousal. She’s coming now for me the way you have thousands of times before, the way that gets me hard and makes me want to fuck a woman who’s coming for me. You’re watching impassively, and I have no way of knowing what you’re feeling as I fuck this other woman, other than knowing it has its greatest meaning to me fucking her with you in the same bed.

Time to “suit up,” I slide on a condom, then slip into her as you finger your clit from the sidelines. She’s totally ours in this moment, she’d do anything, fuck anyone for us, and I feel like I’ll live forever, knowing the “small death” is only moments away. Pushing against her lovely curves and rounded tits, I can feel my cock in her pussy despite the condom, her shuddering orgasms as I come. No marathons of fucking, we’re going over the edge while you watch us climax in unison.

When I’m done, while you both lie in each other’s arms kissing tenderly, I turn the condom inside out and spread my cum on both your panties, then tie them together and pocket this earthy souvenir of our illicit passion. Weeks or months or years from now, I’ll open my secret stash of treasures beside my writing desk, finger this still-fragrant reminder of triadic perfection, and savor the memories of freedom, orgasm and our weird happiness.

-Posted by Will B. Baade

Sacred & Profane

I read an article in a free magazine at lunch the other day. It quoted something from a book called Sacred & Profane. The distance of the two words struck with me, and I plan to look up more about the book.

Today, I had a tubal ligation. The timing strikes me as strange. We spent the weekend discussing many things, including if we should continue. I believe we will. We also resolved many things. My husband gets turned on a lot by thinking of me with another man, and I am very sexual. But it is an awkward time for me to think of surgery- even something as routine to the doctors as a tubal ligation. It is not routine to me. The day has not been pleasant.

I am content with my choice today for many reasons. I do not want more children. Only if the event that my husband died would I consider it, and rarely then. But if we backed off from sex with other people, the surgery today is a bit irrelevant to our life together.

Some of the choices that you begin to make are both Sacred and Profane...


Loved Endlessly

So my love...
Where do I start.
How do I let you know what I feel. Not just once, but every day all the time. How do I fight the fear inside you. How do I show you that I love you above all others? It is more than spending time with you. More than the joy I feel and show when you come home. More than the when I come home to you. More than purring in the middle of the night as I wrap my arms around you or snuggle against your chest. Do you hear me then? More than chatting during the day or talking by phone. Do you remember how often I call you as I leave work, and don't want to get off the phone. Those few minutes without the children. Yes, I have other plans as well. But spending time with you isn't our problem nor the solution.

The fear comes from within. Not from me. I'll ride your storms- no matter what they may be. For there is nobody on this earth that matches me as you do. "Confidence, openness, and willingness to try new things." Where in the world did you get the idea that was all I loved you for? Right... Oh yeah. I'm pretty much opposed to trying new things, and my fear factor is high. I'm more risk adverse than you. You've made me pretty uncomfortable many times and never mind what happens when I let you into the kitchen! I have to be grateful that you're cooking for me, because I sure never know what I'm going to eat and I'm not fond of that! I appreciate the work that you do for me on a daily basis.

Let's talk about me for a bit... Me. Me. Me.. I love you for many reasons. I love that you understand me more than anyone in the world, more than I often understand myself. I love your unyielding honesty. I love your caring nature. I love your intelligence. I love your humor. I love that you will hold me and caress me endlessly. I love that you will humor my silliness. I love that your communication skills are so superb. I love that you are so good with the girls. I love that you are willing to admit mistakes. I love that we talk. Oh wait- I think I said that in different words! I love that you build me fires and do everything you can for me, especially to keep me warm. I love how you want to make our home better always. I love your desire to please me.

I love how you are always reaching for the stars. Sometimes you might feel as if you fall. I love you still. I never wanted perfect.

I love you, Babe. Not how you happen to feel on a good or bad day.

And you won't get rid of me that easily. You won't ever get rid of me. I'm not going anywhere. Now. Ever. Love me with your soul, for you already have mine. I take that risk. It's yours.

Other people aren't going to change that. Those that know me well know that. Why do you even doubt it now. If they can't see that in me, they are blind to all that I am.

Do you see, my love, that I would give up everything for you. So much of what I am. What I might need or think that I do. Only to find ways for us together. For you. I know that you would tell me not to, but you would not be able to stop me either. Expectations. Desire. It simple does not matter if it us not right for us, not me. But you don't see that right now, and that hurts.

Is it wrong to want to be accepted for all that I am? Wrong to want you to accept me completely for as sexual as I've become? No, I don't think that it is. I didn't say it was important to me. Only that right now, you don't. In the end, that too does not matter. For I know how to be flexible enough to make it work for both of us. And I will.

If I told you that I saw two men on the beach, and my mind drifted. I imagined being between the two of them on the beach. Not sex, but there hands on me. Playing. Their bodies shielding mine from the sight of others. Sexual thoughts. I didn't even smile at them. Didn't even want to talk to them. But my mind is sexual. If I told you that I came on the beach, what would you think. I don't really think that it would please or excite you. Right now, I want to shut that side of me down. Want to bury it, because it's causing you tension. Just the creative, sexual side of my mind. No matter what the consequences are.

I can't help sometimes seeing someone that I find sexy or attractive and feeling desire. It's hot. I love the unexpected. I love what's happened sometimes when we go out alone focused on each other and someone is watching me. At times you did as well. Desire or interest in others doesn't mean I'm less attracted to you less. Never. You always come first. But I can shut that down as well. Or acknowledge it so briefly in my mind that I'm pretending it doesn't exist. I have that strength. And I'd do it for us. For you. Again, it doesn't matter if you tell me that it would be wrong to do so.

Yet, my love... I'm not sure that you would like it. For my sexuality in my mind overlaps my body. My desire is part of who I am. Part of who you want. I can bury what I see is causing problems, but there might be other problems.

I will give you all that you want. All that you need. For that is what I need. There is only one thing that I need. Time. Time to think sometimes. Time to absorb our thoughts and the energy or our love. I suspect that will be one of the hardest for you to understand right now. Not time away from you. Never, for I like your presence. Just time of quiet sometimes.

Loved... Endlessly.

Dam breaking

NOTE: This post was originally written on my own blog, and removed. It is followed by "Loved Endlessly." Tom Paine suggested that I place it here. I did, with only minor edits. We also then spent an entire weekend talking.

Dam breaking...
Again and again.

You asked what I would write here if you weren't reading. This post is an example. It's my feelings. Some days I don't feel as if I have anything left. Words and thoughts that should stay in my head. Or at least far away from you. Because in the end they are feelings that will pass and that we will work through.

You said that we aren't making any progress on issues and you used the blog as an example. My need for privacy. Such nonsense. Can I just point out that you didn't abide by the rules that we set in the beginning. It would be your fault then that the issue persists. But I don't look for blame, I try to move forward and solve the problem. Again. And that means talking again. Things change over time. Grumble. You said that you want to get to know each other on a deeper and deeper level. I'm fine with that, but I'm hurt that you said I'm keeping things from you. Hurt that you felt that I had secrets to hide. Look at the damn blog. I rarely even get comments, and I respond to them less. I show you everything. Talk to you about everything. I'm aware of the fact that everytime you walk by my computer you want to know what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, what it's about. I keep nothing from you. Yet when we address hard issues and I want to process them and you don't kept the agreements we made and I'm struggling I'm doing something wrong to ask again. You know, I really appreciated when you said how sad you'd be to not read. Really appreciated you talking about understanding me from a different prism. But we had to talk about it to understand both points of view.

Did it occur that maybe just this point in time was inevitable, and that we're handling it better than anyone but us ever could. I think that we are... Despite it all, our relationship is strong. Incredibly strong. Yes, we're both tired. I don't want you truly wise, God Dammit. I want you for who you are. Mine. And I'll scream that across the neighborhood if you don't get it.

No phrases.
No lazy writing.
No Poetry.
That was nonsense anyway.
Bullshit.
Writing here.
Where I can scream in the dark. Yell. Cry.
Heard. Or not.
But the door is open...
Darkness in my mind.

You are so fucking worried about what others might think I say about you. I don't care about others. I never have. I started this blog thinking that there would be nobody to hear me. There are now. But not the sames ones. Your pain hurts me. But I can't fix it. Only tell you that your are wrong. Call you an idiot or take you in my arms, but you won't listen to me. And I'm left feeling like I do something wrong. Again and again. Every day almost. But I let it go. I won't remember or dwell on it. Won't focus on how I screw up. Won't believe it. I just remember the feeling that it happens again. I know it's not me. Know it doesn't matter and I'm reading it wrong. I'm stronger than that. But I'm not pleasing you.

When I feel like that with you is it so wrong to want the simple pleasure of just pleasing someone sexually... Nothing more.

You got what you want. All the fantasies came true. But the game was harder than you expected. Nothing was the way it seemed. I understand. That's not a problem. But damn it, I didn't. Perhaps I want to much. My desires are more than just a fantasy though. I've grown and I've changed. And I want more too. But I'm the one willing to give it all up. Right the fuck now. Regardless. No more discussion. Nothing. Because it's not right for you or for us. But don't expect it to be easy. I'm giving up something, and it's something I want. You opened Pandora's box, and I'll try to close it again. With at least a broken hinge, but I'll try. But it's not the same. It doesn't fucking fit anymore, and it isn't easy. Don't expect me to say, "Sure. No problem. It's the same as it used to be." There are lots of reasons it's not. So I do everything that I possibly can to tell you what I see as different. How it won't be the same, how I want to change, to make it better for both of us. Safeguards. How I'm giving you peace. And you tell me that I'm giving you ultimatums and threats. What the fuck? Sigh. Something wrong again. Guess I communicated that I'm willing to do what is best for you, best for us so damned well. Oh fuck. Let's try that one again. You don't even have to say a damn word. I spend most of my time thinking about you and I. Us. Unproductive in so many other aspects of my life. And still I screw up. I can't think and I'm so close to just shutting down sometimes. But that's not me.

I'll keep fighting for you. Till I get it right.
Don't mess with the Dragon.
I love you.
Idiot.
Where in the hell, do you think you're going to lose me.
Not bloody likely.
Just about anyone could tell you otherwise...

Yes, I want to fuck him. Yes, he wants me. Does that mean I want you less? No. Not even. Will I get back on this damned fucking rollercoaster if we get off? I might throw up first. I just soooo love the idea of get off now and when you get the rest of your mind together we will jump back on the fuck up train.

Yes, I care about you accepting my sexuality. Shouldn't I? Fuck yes, I should. I've changed a hell of lot over the last two years. I'll go back to where I was... Easy enough. But you were the one that wanted some excitement and change in our live. Exploration, richness, adventure. Whatever the fuck the reasons were. I don't know anymore, because it seems like what I remember is different from what you remember. But you don't want me to go back. You don't seem to want me where I am either. I don't like living in the twilight zone, thank you very much. Did I say anything about being ahead of you sexually. Better? And therefore more accepting of others that are different? Umm no. Fuck no. I said, I've grown and changed. Seems pretty natural consequence of what's happened to me. I love you for who you are... But what do we do? Far as I can tell you don't like this and this and this and this and this... Well, Maam, thank you very much for the ride, but I think I got on the wrong bus and went in the wrong direction for awhile. OK. That's fine with me, but I'm having a bit of trouble suggesting where we should go next. I liked and loved you before. I'M WILLING TO GO BACK TO WHERE WE WERE. But fuck it all. I didn't start this. You did. And you did, because you wanted change.

So excuse me if at some times I have just a little bit of trouble processing the whirlwind, and please Damn it don't accuse me of saying that I don't like who you are or were. Because that isn't never was and never will be the case. OH yeah. Don't transfer your confusion to me that way. Don't make me feel as if it's all my fault and I'm doing something wrong again (not that I even know what anymore). I may be, but that sure as hell isn't it.

I ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. No matter what you want.

I'm pissed because you're feeling threatened about what someone else might be telling me to do. Yet you don't want to know either. Great. Just great. How am I supposed to get around that one. I'll tell you one thing. He won't ever come between us. Won't ever ask for anything that we've agreed upon. Or ask to see me when I can't. He doesn't pressure me in that way, but completely supports us. It's a good thing, and one reason I like him. But what am I supposed to do? I'm in the middle again. So I back away from EVERYTHING. Cause I can't please you no matter what I do, and it's wrong to do anything else because I know you. Know what you need. Then I get accused of threatening you or ultimatums.

But I will give up what I might desire, because in this case it is wrong. For us... At least for quite awhile. I only wish I'd seen it coming before it ever started... Had a crystal ball that could predict the future. Kept Pandora's box closed. I think that trying to go back will be so much harder than growing was. Change wasn't easy to begin with.

Just buy a big damn purple lock...
Memorize the combination after several margaritas.
Burn the paper.
Then go to sleep...
Memories and thoughts locked away...

I'm sorry if you don't like the reality of life right now. I'll kept trying. Anything for us together. But I don't know what you want. Don't know how to please you any more, and that hurts. Everything I say seems wrong. Everything I do seems like it's not quite right either. So I'm going back to where I was. But that's not easy, and you don't want that either. *Turns head to side* Comes back and tries again.

My place.
My writing.
You don't have to like it here.
I'll send this to you before the end of the month.
Before the end of the week, but I'm not sure what day.
I have other plans in mind.
To show you my love...

Grumble.
I give too much.
Of myself some days.
A switch.

Unexpected paths

When you begin to play with others, how does that change certain individual dynamics? The concept of "ownership" is one example. My husband and I have a very equal relationship. When it comes to bedroom activities, we both initiate sex and either one of us can take a slightly more dominant role.

One night, I sent my husband an bit of a chat between a sex partner, let's call him "Tom" and I. It was meant to reassure him. To emphasize how he sees me only as someone for sexual needs, "a toy" and I am "his wife." That he doesn't have emotional attachment to me. Nor I to him. Something went wrong in the communication, and he reacted. He needed more information, and at the time I really couldn't talk to him. I expected another night of long conversation. I drove home wondering how I could *again* do something so wrong that I thought was so simple, so reassuring, and showing my love for him. I found my own peace and prepared to talk. Yet, part of me was still tense that something so simple had gone wrong. Again. Was this jealous or what was going on?

It turns out that part of what was troubling him was simple word choice. There was an aspect of "ownership" that he read into the words. Perhaps the words were "my toy." I don't know exactly, and it doesn't matter. My husband claims that he has no right of ownership in any context.

I'm discovering that I like the submissive side of sex. Tom has taken the dominant role with me. In this context it's natural that he perceives a certain "ownership" of his "toy," but that can be his perception without affecting my relationship with my husband. I rarely see him. My husband has claimed that he is not jealous of this individual and that it really is OK for me to continue to see him.

He never expected to have to cope with the fact that I'm attracted to BDSM or that I have a strong submissive side. He never expected to have to come with the fact that he reacted to feeling somehow threatened by the fact that someone has "ownership" in a sexual role, but is not a threat to our relationship. Unexpected paths.




How much would you change?

How much would you change if you left monogamy behind? Especially if you'd been married for many years, had children and married young. An interesting question. I never expected to have changed as much as I have. Many are small ways. Others are much larger. Details about myself or my sexuality.

Permanent body changes- One of the first changes that I can recall was to begin to shave or trim my pussy. Then, I made that permanent with laser hair removal. I got a tattoo. A tramp stamp. It represents a lot, but I planned it representing my sexuality and the changes to who I am.

I am much more sexual. I used to be fairly conservative. Perhaps the wild side of me was just hiding. I've fucked outside, given blowjobs to strangers in a parking lot, worn skirts with nothing underneath and made sure that someone noticed. I've done that discretely with my children around as well. John loved to push me towards exhibitionism and I would let him. Even when he was not around, I would do more than I ever used to, just so that I could tell him.

I've gone to public sex clubs and made love in public- with my husband and with others. I like to be in the center of attention. Sometimes with someone who I didn't even know there name or spoke more than a few words. I've been in threesome's and foursomes and loved every minute of it.

I've taken sexy pictures and posted them on the internet. I've taken extremely explicit pictures and sent them by phone to a few. Things I never would have dreamed of a few years ago. I love the reactions that I get, and I'll do it again and again now.

Much of that could be expected when you leave monogamy. That alone has given my husband some trouble adapting. I've accepted so much so easily. He has some trouble. He hasn't found his willingness to change sexually quite so wild as mine.

I use lots of sex toys and I write sex reviews. I never used to.
I'm still adjusting to my own bisexuality. Something else new...

But there are many more changes I face. I find that I have a submissive side. I am a switch. I crave to really fall under the control of a Dom and play BDSM games with someone that I trust. I chat with many people at different times. Yet, I know that the only ones that really interest me are the ones that are stronger and different. Those that play a completely different sexual game than anything I've ever played.

I struggle to understand all that I seek. I know that some of the games have their own risks, but I'll play those games as well. Here too the learning curve is steep.

I'm still changing sexually. I want to experience more, and I'm not afraid to explore it all. It's part of living.


Answers still to be found

My story goes on. The answers are still being found. The games and experiments continue. I write in many places- where the mood and the need strikes. Tom and I discussed this blog. We both wonder how many people are interested here. In time, I'm sure that I will know exactly what needs to be said here.

Right now- I'm wondering what those that are reading wonder or are curious about. Are there questions you want to ask?
-Nightstar


Desire and Guilt...

How do you love someone, intensely and with all your soul, and still allow them to see your desire for another person completely? How can you not feel that they will be threatened by the attractiveness to another person? That they will be hurt if the level of intensity, even for the *moment* is not the same. What do you do when they have shown jealousy or fear in the past? How do you balance the emotions and the desire.

It's different when there have nothing in common or I'll never see him again. Another matter entirely when it is someone that I might see again or they are similar in some way that is important. What happens when I react sexually in a way that I've never done before? (Tom mentioned this in some link, but I'm feeling too lazy to go find it right now!)

Sometimes it's just a matter of not relaxing completely when you play as a threesome. It would be easier if he could really show me how much he was turned on when I'm with another man. If he could tell me how much he loves it when I get excited by another, more than a physical sense. I worry about his emotions and his feelings. I think that mentally it holds me back.

He mentioned that he feels guilty when he plays with another woman. Because it doesn't excite me. I'm not turned on by watching him with another woman. It's not my thing. I'm thrilled that he has fun, but I wouldn't know how to let him relax any more.

These are issues we are still exploring.

by Nightstar


Would I recommend this?

Someone that reads my regular blog, approached me wanting to talk about swinging. He's one that has read between the lines or read long enough to know what I talk about sometimes. It made me think.

Do I regret anything, despite how hard it has been at times? No. Our *learning curve* has been very steep and very painful for the two of us. We probably didn't start from the best place. I'm living a richer, fuller life now, and I spend time in thought and reflection that I enjoy. I have been in some very hot sexual scenes and I have images that I will always cherish in my mind. I still think that everything we have done or will done hasn't even come close to the full potential that exists.

Would I recommend it? Not to very many. Be very, very careful. I think it's a choice that is more likely to destroy a couple than make your life richer. I know two couples that it has destroyed. I've met several couples that seem bored with sex. It's not an easy path. If you don't have really strong communication skills- they you are asking for problems. It certainly isn't a solution if you are looking to solve sexual problems or you are bored. It will cause more problems...

by NightStar


Sugasm #95

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #96? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks
Cuffed
“She could see that he had something concealed in his other hand, but couldn’t quite tell whether it would be an instrument of torture or pleasure.”

Lunch Hour
“He’s very good, but I notice the almost imperceptible start as he notices what’s going on.”

About size
“But if we’re going to start talking about penis size, then it is only fair to talk about vagina size.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
“Men on a Mission” Calendar 2008

Editor’s Choice
The S Spot Sexy Short Story Competition!

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

BDSM & Fetish
Abstract Question
Crimson Pain
Etched with Love (Anniversary pt 1)
Half-Nekkid in America
Happy HNT - Rope bondage paddling
His Cane, His Gown, His Mortarboard
Master and Slave
On becoming a small letter person
Pagan preaches…
Sex and Money
Spankings and Cupcakes….
Want To Learn How To Do Figging?

Sex Humor
Mystery Sex Toys

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Ace and Idiot
The beauty stops by
Brothers friend..what a night to remember.
Drenched
Finger Fucking Friday
Grey
Holding Pattern
MFF
No reservations, part 3
Welcome back….

NSFW Pics & Videos
Half-Nekkid Fetishist
Lilya in polka dots
Perla Voluptueux (errotica archives)
Petter Hegre’s Fantasy Island
Ron Harris’s Latest Erotic Photo and Video

Sex Work
Do I Kiss & Tell? (Or, Why Sex Pros Make Better Bloggers)
Sex Work And Religion: Sacred Pussy, Controlled Womb

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
The Brick Wall Statement
Being out vs Being out there
MisQuote The Craig, Evermore
More On “Hiding in Plain Sight”
The Scientific Desires

Sex News & Reviews
Ivy Intimate Touch Palm Massager Review
Pick me, pick me!